Dunwoody Jokes

Back in the day, jokes with a Dunwoody punchline were either about Dunwoody Housewives or our Stepford-like communities with cookie-cutter homes. There were even rumors of progressive suppers in the Winters just to see what the neighbors had done with THE floorplan. Of course, these were exaggerations if not complete fabrications.

While those days are long gone we now have an even greater source of comedy--we have a Mayor and City Council. And this time dear readers, the jokes are for real.

They started when the Council set up city operations in another city. That's right, we're paying property taxes in another city, in another county, because that's where the Council wants it. You can't make this up.

After hilarious presentations of poorly worded ordinances we end up with convoluted laws crafted to skirt the US Constitution just to make sure the only boobs seen in Dunwoody are at the City Council meetings. And for good measure, and fear they might be more exciting than the Council, they also outlawed vibrators. You can't make this up.

After mowing down their Boob Competition, the Council, true to their HOA origins, outlawed unmowed lawns. Yes, dear readers, Dunwoody now has a grass height ordinance, and by the God of the DUMC, we're gonna enforce it. You can't make this up.

Then, before the City can maintain our streets, fix our traffic lights or field a police patrol, the Council has a retreat. No, not a retreat from sanity---that happened long ago. This is a retreat from---you guessed it---Dunwoody! Until shamed by public outcry our Mayor and Council fully intended to have a retreat, at taxpayers expense, (that's you dear reader) in Stone Mountain. You can't make this up.

Then the council decided that concerts in the parks would be a good idea (read: taxable event). For whatever reason mass stupidity set in and they outlawed glass bottles in city parks, the venue for these taxable events. While this is consistent with the plastic jug, paper cup ice tea socials at DUMC, it soooo neglects the delightful aspects of a Vouvray or even a Bordeaux at an intimate James Taylor concert. And for the record, James Taylor is not sanctioned by any recognized religious authority to offer communion at any venue---you will not skirt the long arm of Dunwoody law so easily. This was so outrageously asinine it not only made the front page of the AJC, it evoked this comment from Wittenstein, the only council member who seemed to have access to oxygenated air:

"The number of ways and things we've made illegal just boggles the mind."

You can't make this up.

It get's better. Our mayor declared the city fully operational as of Jan 1. Followed shortly by significant delays in repairing traffic lights and today, one of the coldest in years, Dunwoody roads are closed because someone opened hydrants and the City hasn't the operational capacity to sand the roads. Instead, DeKalb police are stationed at the icy patches to ensure the safety of the Citizens of Dunwoody. That's right, we have our old police force filling the gaps of our "fully operational" city. You can't make this up.

That's right: you can't make this up. It takes a special breed. It takes folks who labored long and hard within the constraints of a voluntary Home Owner's Association, longing for the day when HOA membership would be mandatory, when they would be empowered to force upon the unwilling their ideas of morality, their aesthetic, and when noncompliance would be punishable under their laws.

Dear readers, that day has come. Perhaps that's what the mayor means when he says the City is "fully operational".

TOD

Mega Businesses In Dunwoody Go Untaxed

The question has been posed: Since when did churches become a "business"?

In the original context this question was intended to refute the assertion that church real estate and revenue should be taxed by the city.

Why pick on churches anyway, aren't they all about God and isn't God good? Isn't that why churches aren't taxed in the first place and have a special place in our bill of rights?

Well, for one thing, churches today are nothing like those our founding fathers were protecting from government influence. In today's world there is a much clearer distinction between Faith, Religion and The Church. The first is all about God. The second is man's attempt to celebrate the Faith and carry it forward beyond this generation with writings and rituals.

The latter is a manifestation of man, by man and for man, co-opting both the Faith and Religion. It is a political entity embodying power, ambition and greed associated with all fundamentally political human enterprises. It is The Church that has committed some of the most heinous crimes against humanity, all in the name of God. Today The Church has embraced the practices of the temporal world with its strength and success measured by head count and collections. Much like the way businesses use sales volume and revenue to gauge their success. And ponder this: the Vatican has its own bank.

Increasingly these Historically Tax Exempt Churches not only operate like businesses, but provide services traditionally associated with business and in some cases place themselves in direct competition with taxed business. There are churches today in Dunwoody that:

• operate sports facilities open to the public, with a fee for non-members.
• operate day cares and private schools for a fee.
• offer adult enrichment, job networking and speaking events that are open to all and carry a charge.
• market their services to a geographical area far larger than the greater Dunwoody area.

These have all the characteristics of a business:

• competition;
• revenue;
• growth goals;
• expenses, including payroll;
• asset management; and
• marketing.

Everything except for paying taxes.

Some argue that all Churches aren't like that. Absolutely true, some aren't. While Congregation Ariel and Ebenezer Baptist haven't adopted the business model, the "First and Second Baptist Banks of Dunwoody" certainly have. As have churches with larger parking lots than the failed Publix shopping center proposed for the Emory property across from the library. Think about it, if your church runs a shuttle bus on Sunday morning because the main parking lot is full, it probably isn't a community church where neighbors gather to share a common faith. It is a competitive, successful business.

It is time for Dunwoody to equitably tax all businesses operating in Dunwoody without regard to race, culture, national origin and yes, even Religion.

TOD

Self Loathing Intervention For Council, Mayor

Recent rumors that the Council might permanently move council meetings to Blue Ridge has not only caused quite a stir here in the city, but has caught the attention of famed LA radio talk show host and trained psychiatrist Dr. Phyllis Stein. The situation was brought to the attention of "Dr. Phyllis" by former Dunwoody resident and man-about-town, Ryan Seacrest. When contacted, an unnamed source with Mr. Seacrest's publicist stated "He couldn't believe they put city hall in another city, then when they retreated to Stone Mountain, he was stunned. But to hear they are moving city council meetings to Blue Ridge, well, that was the last straw. He had to get professionals involved."

Dr. Phyllis, displaying her trademark frankness, said "Clear case of self loathing, no doubt about it. Now I know that most shrinks would write this off as buyer's remorse, but they don't have the balls to be in this business. These excuses are enabling and cause more damage than good. This case clearly calls for an intervention and as soon as my producers can schedule it, I am going down there and fix that entire dysfunctional city." For the record, Dr. Phyllis would neither confirm nor deny a personal or professional relationship with Mr. Seacrest responding with "our relationship is in no way related to the problems in Ryan's home town."

As one might imagine, this is the buzz of Dunwoody. At the village barber shop, Mac "The Knife", owner and operator, offered his insights. "I cut the mayor's hair. I cut the Council's hair. Well except that babe, I don't know where she goes, but I can do at least as good and I'll give her the man's price. But I do cut everyone's else's hair and I know these people in the way that only someone with a sharp razor gets to know people. And I can tell you one thing, they ain't movin' to no Blue Ridge. No sir. These are St. Simons folks, through and through."

Now wouldn't that be an interesting twist. No matter, upcoming events are sure to be exciting in Dunwoody. When will the Dr. Phyllis intervention happen? Will it be Blue Ridge or St. Simons? After the move will the council decide to hold their retreats in some exotic locale, like, say...Dunwoody?

Stay tuned dear readers, we live in interesting times.

TOD

PCID Continues Assault on Dunwoody

As a result of a brief battle in the State House pitting Dunwoody against the larger, more powerful DeKalb County, Dunwoody secured victory and acquired control of the region at the southwest border of the city proper. This region, known by the acronym PCID, has been lobbing destruction, deceptively labeled "smart growth", at Dunwoody for several years. The latest volley in this lopsided engagement is the construction of yet another apartment complex in the PCID.

The quasi-governmental PCID strategy, often supported by DeKalb County to the south, is to construct high density residential settlements within the western strip they lay claim to, with the intent of overloading the surrounding transportation and education infrastructure. This dissipates the resources of the surrounding community since the PCID does nothing to support these services. In fact, even with the territory they control, less than ten percent of the money for their "project portfolio" comes from the PCID, with the rest obtained from outside supporters. To date, the PCID has been winning both the war on the ground and public propaganda campaigns.

It is time for the City of Dunwoody to engage the PCID forcefully to protect the City and the County Schools within the City. Dunwoody should take these steps immediately:

• Work closely with DeKalb County Schools (not the County, but the Schools) to coordinate the imposition of school infrastructure impact fees to build adequate schools in the PCID.
• Alternatively, coordinate with DCS to supervise the construction of schools within the PCID by the PCID for the settlers they have moved into the PCID.
• Put in place an IGA with Sandy Springs and Fulton County to coordinate all PCID related activities.
• Impose a sewer hookup moratorium until the PCID acknowledges its transgressions and provides meaningful commitment to redress the damage already done.
• Demand the PCID pay reparations, restructure and institute procedures that protect the surrounding communities.
  
• Impose a transportation toll on the PCID to cover needed repairs and maintenance to City streets caused by the PCID's irresponsible growth.
• Put in place procedures that ensure the PCID activities are monitored, preventing recurrence of these problems.
  

It is imperative that the City take control of this territory before it becomes an even more powerful breeding ground of economic terrorism than it already is.

TOD

The Only Signs Welcome in Dunwoody

Are apparently Welcome To Dunwoody signs.

To quote John Heneghan, a Dunwoody city councilman and blogger:

"Two graphic artists in the area, Steven Fuller and Earl Cole, designed and submitted about 20 designs for the city signs. The designs were gathered [...] and submitted to the Dunwoody City Council, who narrowed it down to three finalists."

At best these are reminiscent of "Steel Magnolias", where the Julia Roberts' character had two favorite colors--bashful and blush--two almost indistinguishable shades of pink. A web page designer would observe that the three options are identical in content and except for minor changes in aspect ratio and element scaling are identical in appearance. We can only imagine how horrible the other 17 were.

And the beige. What is WITH the beige? Is this a joke? Perhaps a very bad one, as in "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling Beige"? It should be replaced with Dunwoody Yes! yellow to remind us all of those who got us into this, or commemorate them if you're a fan. Or maybe bronze like a historical marker giving a nod to the fact that Dunwoody is all about clinging to the past rather than embracing a progressive future. But please, anything but Flip This House beige.

This whole welcome sign affair is also eerily similar to the self-congratulatory "Vernon Jones & Co. " sidewalk signs. Maybe our esteemed leaders should complete the job by adding the Mayor and Council-person names. And get ready for the photo-ops when the first signs are installed. We're more likely to see a video of this event on the Dunwoody website than videos of council meetings.

The fact that this appears at this high a priority is very telling--the council spent valuable time culling out about 17 to arrive at 3 virtually identical signs. But there just isn't enough time for expanding public comment at council meetings. No sir, they're just too busy for that.

That's the real Welcome to Dunwoody sign this government is posting for all of Dunwoody.

TOD

Fully Operational. NOT!

Or so screamed the flashing traffic light at the corner of Chamblee Dunwoody and Peeler most of Saturday.

It didn't take long for the city's first test. If a 6-8 hour response for a traffic signal at one of the city's major intersections is what the powers-that-now-be consider better than what we had, they haven't been paying attention.

TOD

Moses Runs Dunwoody

"Set my people free!"

After gaining freedom from the evil, dark pharaoh, Moses led his people for forty years. Forty years of wandering. Thirst, starvation and abandonment (remember the first trip up the mountain?). Forty years of hearing about how bad the pharaoh was and how the Israelites were headed to a land of milk and honey, to their promised land. How this exodus would yield something better.

Now that Dunwoody is freed from the evils of southern oppression what have our prophets offered? What is the vision of Dunwoody's promised land? If you believed one of the lesser prophets, Porter on the Hill, it was a budget that is "fiscally conservative, [with] proposed service levels as a 25 to 30% improvement over what DeKalb currently provides". Or perhaps you're a fan of the Great Prophet Millar who preaches that the extra year he provided was "to try to get the best data for people to make a decision."

But what have these prophets really offered our tribe, outside of unrealistic promises? They brought down from their mountain new, puritanical laws ostensibly intended to preserve the purity of their nation. They found sanctuary in secrecy, using available technology to promote their agenda and foster cronyism, but somehow avoiding the opportunity to provide transparent, open governance. They moved rather quickly to increase the financial burdens on businesses and residents. They held glad-hand events for pollyannish sycophantic toadies and of course, their glamor shots adorn their new taxpayer funded (but not taxpayer supporting) website.

And Dunwoody's head prophet declares his city "Fully Operational". And what does that mean? Are Dunwoody Police patrolling our streets? NO. Instead there is the same police protection Dunwoody already had---terrible, to have heard our prophets talk about it before the referendum. But that's OK, because now we pay more for it. Well at least we have our parks in place, right? NO. What we do have is an ever increasing payroll and a pothole patrol. That's Fully Operational in someone's twisted world, but not in The Other Dunwoody.

If history serves as a guide we should all remember that Moses never saw the promised land and for good reason. After forty years of tortuous wandering someone else finally stepped up, helped those of weak character and failed integrity, and led the worthy to the promised land.

Where is our Joshua?

TOD

Dunwoody To Outlaw Boobs

At a recent meeting of Dunwoody's Itty Bitty Titty Committy (yes, they spell it that way) plans are underway to celebrate the criminalization of Boobs in Dunwoody. With the help of the IBTC, Dunwoody has crafted two ordinances to ensure that baring breasts in Dunwoody be virtually banned.

Committe chair, Barbara Beacoup, thanked the many participants who contributed to the success of the effort saying "and you should all be proud that our efforts will put an end to this before it gets off the ground." She also added "while we all acknowledge these bare breasted women would earn significantly more than they might otherwise, it must be said that most of the boobs are fake thus making it just another form of fraud. It's a shame we had to use liquor laws and dance around the first amendment, but we did and we got the job done."

Co-founder and treasurer, Vera Vadeveist, addressed the assembly by noting these efforts not only protect the community but more importantly preserve the integrity of the nuclear family. "Our men should not be tempted into blowing the family's money. They need to stay home and learn to appreciate what they have." "That's right", Barbara chimed in. "This isn't a case of getting what you pay for, it's about paying for what you already have."

The featured speaker, Sister Mary Bernard of the Order of the Blue Nuns and official IBTC Moral Advisor remarked that this was a most excellent start, but it is just the start. "While no one is advocating a return to a puritanical general dress code, as I am a nun after all", a comment which sent giggles throughout the audience, "but we as a community have become too lax. For example, the skimpy clothing worn by our daughters at the Dunwoody High School car wash fund raisers is an embarrassment to the community. Downright shameless." Sister Mary B challenged the membership to fight complacency, to move beyond mere areola coverage to a more modest climate where the prurient would not be exposed to even the hint of a bikini line.

This challenge was enthusiastically embraced by the membership with the chants of "Lily White! Outa Sight!". Questions of bikini line elimination by tanning salons and the potential for extended surface area exposure that might offer were addressed by formation of a special task force. This group will determine if these businesses can operate legally in Dunwoody and if they can, how best to change that.

Shortly after Sister Mary B concluded her remarks and other, minor business was addressed, the meeting, as all must, came to a close. But unlike other meetings, those of the IBTC end with entire group singing the official IBTC hymn: "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows..."

Thank God, we in The Other Dunwoody have these fine folks looking out for us.

TOD

Specialized Sexual Activity

That's right dear reader, that's what we're talking about in Dunwoody: specialized sexual activity.

Don't believe it? Then check out the proposed Prude Laws soon to be passed by the Dunwoody City Council, page 5, last paragraph under Section 2: Definitions. This follows on the heels of the Council's (ab)use of Likker Laws to prevent raising a toast to any fine examples of human anatomy, as if there are that many. Furthermore, the fine gentlemen and lady comprising our city government are sipping the wine of God, a dry protestant varietal, in one of His many fine Dunwoody homes. Perhaps it should be illegal for the Mayor and Council drink from that cup while on the job.

Regardless of origin, true intent or even divine inspiration, we in The Other Dunwoody are still left with nagging questions.

What is specialized sexual activity and how do we get some? Do we need training? Are there classes? Certainly not at the DUMC, but maybe the Dunwoody Nature Center? Would these be adult only? Is alcohol involved? We all know candy is dandy, but isn't it true that likker is quicker? Or, is that already outlawed?

And just what are they, our ballyhoo-ed City Council, trying to outlaw with this ordinance? Is anyone with the Kama Sutra and the knowledge to use it as welcome in our fair city as a billboard? Perhaps only if they share their knowledge? Wouldn't want any learning going on in Dunwoody, now would we? Or, is specialized sexual activity a neo-con codeword for homosexual activity, which truth be told isn't as specialized as it once might have been?

Or perhaps, there is just no one involved in City government that reads this stuff before enactment. Could that really be? Are they so blinded by their self-proclaimed good intentions that they no longer see clearly? Are we, all of us in Dunwoody, just rolling down a steep hill in a bus whose driver is asleep at the wheel?

Folks, there comes a time when competence is a turn on. But it seems Dunwoody's leaders think this leads to specialized sexual activity, and by God, and in the shelter of the DUMC, they're going to outlaw that!

TOD

Billboard Tops Dunwoody

In a poignant display of oneupmanship Action Outdoor Advertising waited until the last day of DeKalb dominion over Dunwoody to erect a large and largely unwanted billboard just within the about-to-be city limits. Were they excited? You betcha! But no less than those of us in The Other Dunwoody.

There is the undeniable irony of it all. Were it not for last minute wrangling with a late vote change and the violation of home rule--a blatant show of disrespect for the DeKalb delegation, there would be no Dunwoody, no Mayor and no Council. Yet, the manner in which SB82 was pushed through the house was perfectly legal. And apparently all the paperwork was in order with our new billboard as well, and the company, prudently and legally, made sure it was in place before the city was. Just hours before, but before. And legally regardless.

Now City officials and many citizens have their shorts in a knot. See they don't like billboards. At least not in their back yard. And by golly, they're gonna do something about it. Call out the lawyers! Who cares if it is legal, we'll sue them anyway! Hypocrisy you say? How dare you! Can't you see that we are Dunwoody and Dunwoody is W^Hright. Always right and right in all ways. Get with the program folks.

Let's hope our nascent leaders come to their senses and see the irony if not the humor in this and move on to more important things than wasting our tax dollars on frivolous legal posturing. Maybe something like, oh, gosh, let's see, how about getting this city on its feet!

TOD