Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dunwoody Jokes

Back in the day, jokes with a Dunwoody punchline were either about Dunwoody Housewives or our Stepford-like communities with cookie-cutter homes. There were even rumors of progressive suppers in the Winters just to see what the neighbors had done with THE floorplan. Of course, these were exaggerations if not complete fabrications.

While those days are long gone we now have an even greater source of comedy--we have a Mayor and City Council. And this time dear readers, the jokes are for real.

They started when the Council set up city operations in another city. That's right, we're paying property taxes in another city, in another county, because that's where the Council wants it. You can't make this up.

After hilarious presentations of poorly worded ordinances we end up with convoluted laws crafted to skirt the US Constitution just to make sure the only boobs seen in Dunwoody are at the City Council meetings. And for good measure, and fear they might be more exciting than the Council, they also outlawed vibrators. You can't make this up.

After mowing down their Boob Competition, the Council, true to their HOA origins, outlawed unmowed lawns. Yes, dear readers, Dunwoody now has a grass height ordinance, and by the God of the DUMC, we're gonna enforce it. You can't make this up.

Then, before the City can maintain our streets, fix our traffic lights or field a police patrol, the Council has a retreat. No, not a retreat from sanity---that happened long ago. This is a retreat from---you guessed it---Dunwoody! Until shamed by public outcry our Mayor and Council fully intended to have a retreat, at taxpayers expense, (that's you dear reader) in Stone Mountain. You can't make this up.

Then the council decided that concerts in the parks would be a good idea (read: taxable event). For whatever reason mass stupidity set in and they outlawed glass bottles in city parks, the venue for these taxable events. While this is consistent with the plastic jug, paper cup ice tea socials at DUMC, it soooo neglects the delightful aspects of a Vouvray or even a Bordeaux at an intimate James Taylor concert. And for the record, James Taylor is not sanctioned by any recognized religious authority to offer communion at any venue---you will not skirt the long arm of Dunwoody law so easily. This was so outrageously asinine it not only made the front page of the AJC, it evoked this comment from Wittenstein, the only council member who seemed to have access to oxygenated air:
"The number of ways and things we've made illegal just boggles the mind."
You can't make this up.

It get's better. Our mayor declared the city fully operational as of Jan 1. Followed shortly by significant delays in repairing traffic lights and today, one of the coldest in years, Dunwoody roads are closed because someone opened hydrants and the City hasn't the operational capacity to sand the roads. Instead, DeKalb police are stationed at the icy patches to ensure the safety of the Citizens of Dunwoody. That's right, we have our old police force filling the gaps of our "fully operational" city. You can't make this up.

That's right: you can't make this up. It takes a special breed. It takes folks who labored long and hard within the constraints of a voluntary Home Owner's Association, longing for the day when HOA membership would be mandatory, when they would be empowered to force upon the unwilling their ideas of morality, their aesthetic, and when noncompliance would be punishable under their laws.

Dear readers, that day has come. Perhaps that's what the mayor means when he says the City is "fully operational".