Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dunwoody To Outlaw Boobs

At a recent meeting of Dunwoody's Itty Bitty Titty Committy (yes, they spell it that way) plans are underway to celebrate the criminalization of Boobs in Dunwoody. With the help of the IBTC, Dunwoody has crafted two ordinances to ensure that baring breasts in Dunwoody be virtually banned.

Committe chair, Barbara Beacoup, thanked the many participants who contributed to the success of the effort saying "and you should all be proud that our efforts will put an end to this before it gets off the ground." She also added "while we all acknowledge these bare breasted women would earn significantly more than they might otherwise, it must be said that most of the boobs are fake thus making it just another form of fraud. It's a shame we had to use liquor laws and dance around the first amendment, but we did and we got the job done."

Co-founder and treasurer, Vera Vadeveist, addressed the assembly by noting these efforts not only protect the community but more importantly preserve the integrity of the nuclear family. "Our men should not be tempted into blowing the family's money. They need to stay home and learn to appreciate what they have." "That's right", Barbara chimed in. "This isn't a case of getting what you pay for, it's about paying for what you already have."

The featured speaker, Sister Mary Bernard of the Order of the Blue Nuns and official IBTC Moral Advisor remarked that this was a most excellent start, but it is just the start. "While no one is advocating a return to a puritanical general dress code, as I am a nun after all", a comment which sent giggles throughout the audience, "but we as a community have become too lax. For example, the skimpy clothing worn by our daughters at the Dunwoody High School car wash fund raisers is an embarrassment to the community. Downright shameless." Sister Mary B challenged the membership to fight complacency, to move beyond mere areola coverage to a more modest climate where the prurient would not be exposed to even the hint of a bikini line.

This challenge was enthusiastically embraced by the membership with the chants of "Lily White! Outa Sight!". Questions of bikini line elimination by tanning salons and the potential for extended surface area exposure that might offer were addressed by formation of a special task force. This group will determine if these businesses can operate legally in Dunwoody and if they can, how best to change that.

Shortly after Sister Mary B concluded her remarks and other, minor business was addressed, the meeting, as all must, came to a close. But unlike other meetings, those of the IBTC end with entire group singing the official IBTC hymn: "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows..."

Thank God, we in The Other Dunwoody have these fine folks looking out for us.


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Specialized Sexual Activity

That's right dear reader, that's what we're talking about in Dunwoody: specialized sexual activity.

Don't believe it? Then check out the proposed Prude Laws soon to be passed by the Dunwoody City Council, page 5, last paragraph under Section 2: Definitions. This follows on the heels of the Council's (ab)use of Likker Laws to prevent raising a toast to any fine examples of human anatomy, as if there are that many. Furthermore, the fine gentlemen and lady comprising our city government are sipping the wine of God, a dry protestant varietal, in one of His many fine Dunwoody homes. Perhaps it should be illegal for the Mayor and Council drink from that cup while on the job.

Regardless of origin, true intent or even divine inspiration, we in The Other Dunwoody are still left with nagging questions.

What is specialized sexual activity and how do we get some? Do we need training? Are there classes? Certainly not at the DUMC, but maybe the Dunwoody Nature Center? Would these be adult only? Is alcohol involved? We all know candy is dandy, but isn't it true that likker is quicker? Or, is that already outlawed?

And just what are they, our ballyhoo-ed City Council, trying to outlaw with this ordinance? Is anyone with the Kama Sutra and the knowledge to use it as welcome in our fair city as a billboard? Perhaps only if they share their knowledge? Wouldn't want any learning going on in Dunwoody, now would we? Or, is specialized sexual activity a neo-con codeword for homosexual activity, which truth be told isn't as specialized as it once might have been?

Or perhaps, there is just no one involved in City government that reads this stuff before enactment. Could that really be? Are they so blinded by their self-proclaimed good intentions that they no longer see clearly? Are we, all of us in Dunwoody, just rolling down a steep hill in a bus whose driver is asleep at the wheel?

Folks, there comes a time when competence is a turn on. But it seems Dunwoody's leaders think this leads to specialized sexual activity, and by God, and in the shelter of the DUMC, they're going to outlaw that!


Friday, December 5, 2008

Billboard Tops Dunwoody

In a poignant display of oneupmanship Action Outdoor Advertising waited until the last day of DeKalb dominion over Dunwoody to erect a large and largely unwanted billboard just within the about-to-be city limits. Were they excited? You betcha! But no less than those of us in The Other Dunwoody.

There is the undeniable irony of it all. Were it not for last minute wrangling with a late vote change and the violation of home rule--a blatant show of disrespect for the DeKalb delegation, there would be no Dunwoody, no Mayor and no Council. Yet, the manner in which SB82 was pushed through the house was perfectly legal. And apparently all the paperwork was in order with our new billboard as well, and the company, prudently and legally, made sure it was in place before the city was. Just hours before, but before. And legally regardless.

Now City officials and many citizens have their shorts in a knot. See they don't like billboards. At least not in their back yard. And by golly, they're gonna do something about it. Call out the lawyers! Who cares if it is legal, we'll sue them anyway! Hypocrisy you say? How dare you! Can't you see that we are Dunwoody and Dunwoody is W^Hright. Always right and right in all ways. Get with the program folks.

Let's hope our nascent leaders come to their senses and see the irony if not the humor in this and move on to more important things than wasting our tax dollars on frivolous legal posturing. Maybe something like, oh, gosh, let's see, how about getting this city on its feet!