Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dunwoody To Outlaw Boobs

At a recent meeting of Dunwoody's Itty Bitty Titty Committy (yes, they spell it that way) plans are underway to celebrate the criminalization of Boobs in Dunwoody. With the help of the IBTC, Dunwoody has crafted two ordinances to ensure that baring breasts in Dunwoody be virtually banned.

Committe chair, Barbara Beacoup, thanked the many participants who contributed to the success of the effort saying "and you should all be proud that our efforts will put an end to this before it gets off the ground." She also added "while we all acknowledge these bare breasted women would earn significantly more than they might otherwise, it must be said that most of the boobs are fake thus making it just another form of fraud. It's a shame we had to use liquor laws and dance around the first amendment, but we did and we got the job done."

Co-founder and treasurer, Vera Vadeveist, addressed the assembly by noting these efforts not only protect the community but more importantly preserve the integrity of the nuclear family. "Our men should not be tempted into blowing the family's money. They need to stay home and learn to appreciate what they have." "That's right", Barbara chimed in. "This isn't a case of getting what you pay for, it's about paying for what you already have."

The featured speaker, Sister Mary Bernard of the Order of the Blue Nuns and official IBTC Moral Advisor remarked that this was a most excellent start, but it is just the start. "While no one is advocating a return to a puritanical general dress code, as I am a nun after all", a comment which sent giggles throughout the audience, "but we as a community have become too lax. For example, the skimpy clothing worn by our daughters at the Dunwoody High School car wash fund raisers is an embarrassment to the community. Downright shameless." Sister Mary B challenged the membership to fight complacency, to move beyond mere areola coverage to a more modest climate where the prurient would not be exposed to even the hint of a bikini line.

This challenge was enthusiastically embraced by the membership with the chants of "Lily White! Outa Sight!". Questions of bikini line elimination by tanning salons and the potential for extended surface area exposure that might offer were addressed by formation of a special task force. This group will determine if these businesses can operate legally in Dunwoody and if they can, how best to change that.

Shortly after Sister Mary B concluded her remarks and other, minor business was addressed, the meeting, as all must, came to a close. But unlike other meetings, those of the IBTC end with entire group singing the official IBTC hymn: "In olden days a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking, now heaven knows..."

Thank God, we in The Other Dunwoody have these fine folks looking out for us.