The Other Dunwoody: Guest Post: Pork Fat Rules

This is yet another food lesson from TOD's rather foul-mouthed but well-intended Calinky cook. Rest assured, the kitchen is cleaner than the language.

Look, I know you girls had it rough growin' up and yer momma, my sister, did the best she could. But yer daddy was on a first name basis with half of SLED and she to go it alone most of the time and deal with that worthless son of, sorry, yer daddy, the rest of the time so it ain't no wonder you didn't learn 'bout cooking. We gonna fix that. We gonna learn pork fat.

When we say "pork fat rules" we ain't talking like that loud mouth bam-bam man, we're about learnin' the rules of pork fat. Most folks think about bacon or maybe fat-back when they hear "pork fat" and I know some folks are out there payin' way too much to somebody slappin' pork belly on a plate. I ain't never seen it and I never want to, but I know it happens. I heard stories and they're just so unbelievable they gotta be true. The rules we're talking about are the magic of making that fat into lard. Yep, we're gonna make pig butter cuz there ain't no better fat in a righteous kitchen.

Making good lard means startin' with good fat and I know what you're thinking 'cuz I saw that look on yer face. You can pull those eyes back down and start payin' attention. Now there actually are different kinds of fat on a hog and yeah, bacon, back, belly, they're all pork fat. Good pork fat. Not the best pork fat. The best pork fat don't come off the hog it comes outa the hog. We're talkin' leaf fat. Now some folks call this leaf lard, but it ain't lard until we make it into lard, which is exactly what we're gonna do.

I see that. Yeah, that look. Like you wonderin' why you don't just go down to the grocery and buy some lard. Well, they're sellin' lard at most places but it ain't really lard. It's crap. Some kind of high-draw-jenny-ated greasy crap. We don't let that crap in our kitchen and we sure as hell ain't puttin' it in our food. Now you actually can buy lard that ain't all crapped up, but you're gonna pay fifteen, maybe twenty or more dollars for less than a pound. Now I like me some lard, but that's a bit too proud for my purse.

And you wanna know somethin'? I went by that university meat market you rant on and on about and I got them to pull me some leaf fat. Cost me less than fifteen dollars for over ten pounds. I know you're not just a smart-ass but you're got some real smarts so you're wondering what this leaf fat really is. Turns out hogs are a lot like other folks, especially the fat ones, because they got some fat inside their bellies. We can't call that belly fat cuz pork belly is already taken, so they called it leaf fat. Now some folks say that is because when you pull it out it looks like a leaf, but I've pulled more than my share of fat outa hogs and it ain't never looked like no leaf I've ever seen. This fat sits around the kidneys and what makes it the best fat for lard is it don't taste of hog. It comes without any bits of meat like the outside fat and that's where the hog flavor lives. Leaf fat is plain, pure fat. Best fat for the best lard.

Bag O' Leaf Lard

We're gonna turn that bagga fat into the best lard you're ever gonna cook with, which considering you've never cooked with lard ain't a real big chore. Everybody thinks they know how to make lard, you render it right? Yeah, you do, but you probably don't know exactly how to do it and if you don't pay attention you will screw it up. Only a few steps but all real important. We're gonna cut the fat up just enough to fit in that big pot of yers and we're gonna soak it in water. Overnight. Then we're gonna pull the fat offa that tough lining it's hangin' on to. We clean the pot, put the nekkid fat back in and now we can start what most folks think of when they hear renderin'. But they ain't thinking past pot-on-a-burner to melt some fat. Ain't that easy. Or fast. First we add some water. I know, you're wondering why anyone would add water to fat. We're gonna have this over a very low heat but we still don't want to burn any of the fat so we add some water to keep the fat at the bottom from hot spottin' before some of the fat gets to meltin'. Once we get some fat meltin' it won't burn and the water'll boil off. Plus you gotta remember that hogs gots lots of water in 'em anyway and that all has to boil off so a little more ain't gonna hurt noway. Nuther thing lotsa folks don't get is this ain't happenin' real quick. It's gonna take time. Hours. Quite a few. Like all day. In fact you may need to heat all day, turn the heat off and come back the next day to finish it off. 'Cuz you ain't gonna sleep easy with a pot of hot fat sittin' on the cooker and weighin' on yer mind.

How do you know yer lard is done? Because when you render lard you're removing the fat from the tissue the fat comes in and when that happens you not only get liquid lard you get cracklin's. These little bits of precious should be small and they should be lightly brown since they been slow cooking in lard. Once you're at that point, say after six to twelve hours, we'll process some lard.

Once yer lard is done you gotta strain it and store it. Best to use wide-mouth mason jars for storage and you can use a cannin' funnel to fill 'em up. You'll need a good ladle and something to strain the lard so the cracklin's don't end up in yer lard. I use yer granny's old tea strainer but lotsa folks use cheese cloth. You ever tried to wash cheese cloth? Don't.

Straining Tools

There's one thing you're only gonna forget once: liquid lard is damn hot. That lesson might head yer way because you're forgetful or a bit clumsy. Like I said, it is damn hot, hot enough that the yer jar might break and if that happens you don't want it just sittin' on a counter cuz you'll end up dancing in broken glass and hot lard. Not as funny as it sounds. Whatcha wanna do is put the jar in one of them large steel bowls you been ravin' on so if it breaks, you're only out a jar and some lard. You wanna strain the lard as you fill the jars and fill them up to the shoulder so there's a bit of air left in the jar. When you put the lid, hand tighten it but remember that there lard is hot and now the jar is too. Treat it with care and an oven glove comes in real handy.

Liquid Gold

The lid dimples will be standin' proud but as the lard cools over the next few hours you'll hear them ping as they seat in. It'll probably be tomorrow before the lard finishes coolin' and after that you can put it away 'til you need some.