Monday, May 3, 2021

Biden's Executive Order

Awake but not yet alert Biden emerged from the basement and after pawing his way through a Girl Scout Troop on the White House tour he made it to the Oval Office eager to get some Executive Orders issued. Though seemingly impatient, Biden displayed unusual curiosity starting with the first EO: The Silhouette Ban. "Hey man! What's this silhouette issue? Is this about those black outlines of the kid's profiles our folks had hanging in the stairwell? Have those been cancelled? You know, that's not blackface." 

His Chief of Staff and the Woke Czar were dumbfounded yet somehow not rendered speechless. WC stumbled for words finally spitting out "No, no, not those. This is about the silhouette targets used in firearms training. You know, like these," at which point he pulled up this image on his phone:

Clueless Joe was visibly shaken. "C'mon man, no wonder cops are shooting Blacks, they're being trained to see black and shoot. We gotta get these things out of people's hands." WC said, "it gets worse" and swiping left revealed this:

Biden gasped, "Asians too? Don't tell me the cops are training to shoot Asians too. Banning these is just common sense." 

CoS, trying to rein in the enthusiasm pointed out that the NRA would have some push back at which point WC swiped again revealing:

"What is this, CoS? Is that red or orange? I mean if it's red I can see an issue, but is it really a problem if it's orange?" "Good point. I didn't get the orange implication, but the concern had been that the NRA would argue that color doesn't matter or something silly like that. After all cops aren't likely to shoot many smurfs even if they go after an Oompah Loompah." Biden nodded and CoS continued, "there is one other that might be worse." As WC swiped Biden's jaw dropped.

"Whites too? Man...I just don't know. It's like folks with guns will shoot anybody. But these look like fat white guys, you know? Like skinny white guys are all Democrats and I know, I know, not all fat white guys are Republicans but like, I do know that most white Republicans are a bit on the heavy side." The ensuing uncomfortable silence was broken when CoS observed "the NRA is going to say they're just as likely to train for shooting white guys as any others." 

Clearly annoyed being cautioned by his own team, Joe pondered a bit and said, "hey man, you know what these all have in common, don't you? They're all from waist up! Haven't I been saying for years now that they should just shoot  'em in the legs? Haven't I? Don't they have any of these from the waist down?" CoS and WC looked at each other and said, in unison, "No. No they don't." 

"Well, they should. How about you call the Irish Embassy and see where they get theirs? I'm pretty sure the Irish have been shooting in the legs for years. The NRA can't have a problem if we copy them." 

CoS was beginning to wonder if this was the famous Biden humor but chose a straightforward response. "I think the Irish actually practice on each other and I'm pretty sure the NRA and the IRA are not in close contact." 

Biden's patience was exhausted. "Fine. Let me sign the damn thing. Are those Girl Scouts still around? Man, I'd like to get my hands on some of those cookies."