Monday, July 21, 2014

Like A Trolling Stone

A recent photoessay in the esteemed Rolling Stone Magazine is an attempt to bring sister publication Jane's weaponry related information to the masses but sadly misses its target. To help clear up matters we at The Other Dunwoody would like to play "Good Gun" to RSM's "Bad Gun" by providing some concrete examples of guns that we (and all other sane individuals) will allow you to possess. To assist the average gun-nut we will provide an acceptable example as well as examples that have been modified by gun-slinging anarchists in ways that make them wholly unacceptable.

It is summertime so let's get started with the community pool favorite--the water pistol. Acceptable:

Isn't that just the cutest thing? Looks like a fish that spits--like that archer fish you've seen on the National Geographic channel.


Wow, what can we say.  Just too damn realistic -- this is known as the "appearance test" which this squirter fails in epic fashion. Furthermore it looks like a scary gun. Huge magazine...semi-automatic...Darth Vader black...all bad things.  Just keep in mind: if it looks like something a LEO might have, on the beat or in full SWAT regalia, then you should not have anything that even looks like it.

Also, under no circumstances should a water pistol be loaded with booze and shot into anyone's mouth no matter who at the frat party thinks it is a good idea. That is one of the few occasions where a real gun is useful if only to improve the gene pool as we're convinced that only stump water drinking southerners would do anything so stupid in the first place. And who needs them anyway?

Now we come to the dart gun. Remember those? With the little suction cup on the end that wouldn't stick to the TV even if you licked them? Acceptable:

Just like we all remember.


Don't let those pink tips fool you, this is one menacing assault weapon lookalike. Are you seeing the beginnings of a trend here?

A modern derivative of that ole time favorite is the nerf gun which launches (we don't like to say "shoots") harmless little bits of foam. Good fun for all the family. Acceptable:

There's lots to like about this sweet little toy. First it is brightly colored with "Nerf" plastered across the side minimizing the chance your little darlin' will get herself shot impersonating a "Bad Guy[TM]" and make for entertaining courtroom drama should a 'roid ragin' officer knock her off anyway. An additional advantage is the fact that it mimics a revolver and as we all know that is not a semi-Automatic. And that's a Good Thing.


Seriously folks. A machine gun? Can't we simply explain the origins of "the whole nine yards" to the little nippers? Do we really need manipulatives?

Then there is the hometown favorite--the rubber band gun. Acceptable:

This is by far our favorite. Easy to operate--so simple a child can use it. Intuitively obvious in setup. Excepting for thalidomide babies we recommend this for children of all ages. For those and folks who just must handle an object we prefer this:

Dirt simple and downright pretty.

While we could pick on the machine gun or gatling gun versions of the rubber band gun that would be too easy and quite frankly obvious. Clearly those are instruments of the devil. But what we do find unacceptable that you might find enlightening is:

While this is quite similar in appearance to the acceptable version of the rubber band gun this is designed to fire multiple times in succession without a manual reload operation. This clearly crosses a line and we feel it is impossible to justify this level of firepower.

And finally the venerable cap pistol. Acceptable:

These guns depict a limited capacity revolver of questionable accuracy (and who really wants to encourage accuracy?) and is equipped with a red barrel extension clearly indicating this is a cap pistol. This is for operator safety should they be playing cowboys and indians (politically incorrect but a matter for another blog) in near proximity of one of our paramilitary peace officers who tend to shoot anything that moves, even shadows.


In spite of the barrel indicator this fails the "appearance test" as it just looks like a weapon of mass destruction. Again, who needs such firepower?

And absolutely unacceptable:

This is not to be confused with a cap pistol in spite of the misleading name of percussion cap pistol. This is a potent firearm capable of dropping an opponent at twenty paces (ten apiece) with a success rate of at least one in four. If you own one of these you should hand it over the next time your local APC patrols the neighborhood but for safety's sake please wear only your underwear and make sure you keep your hands held high. It makes for a cleaner center of mass shot minimizing unintended fratricide and there won't be a hole in the suit they bury you in.

So there you have it. An everyday guide to common sense gun control.