Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Slow Ride...

...take it easy...
Ever wonder what makes cars in Dunwoody so damn slow?

Some causes are obvious. Take hair color for instance. We all know that blue hair means a real slow ride. But blond shows a pretty strong correlation as well. Another obvious speed brake is a cell phone. These are so incompatible with getting anywhere that one must wonder why they're called "mobiles".

Back in the day many thought there was a gender correlation, but now we're finding much less association between gender and speed. Still it is hard to argue that the trophy wife driving the Escalade without a care in the world is going to move traffic along. But the guy who bagged her is probably no better.

Vehicles make a difference and in some counter-intuitive ways. We all know about the Buick. Not a slower moving car in Dunwoody. But what might surprise some is the most delicate of vehicles, the one that all but stops when approaching a steel plate. The SUV. The bigger and badder the slower. What was once advertised for their off-road prowess, is now often humbled by the merest bump. And the most egregious offender? That's right. A BMW SUV. The Ultimate Driving Machine. Not!

But it is not just the vehicle and driver. There are those nasty hard to execute maneuvers known as "right turns". These are particularly bad on Ashford Dunwoody southbound OTP. Many times a right turn is executed as if the laws of physics do not apply in Dunwoody such that a complete turn can be made without the wheels rotating at all. Simply amazing.

Then there are windows. Open windows. These are guaranteed to take fifteen to twenty percent off the normal speed of the vehicle and this slowdown is particularly noticeable on highways. Often, but not always this is associated with cigarette smoking which drags speed down by another five percent. Something there is about oral fixation and the right foot that are incompatible.

And there is thumping. That kidney rattling pounding bass. You know type. So loud it has shattered a window, now covered with plastic that flails about in time with the "music". These are often tragically slow cars. It isn't clear just why they are so slow, and no one is really looking for them to be rolling examples of the doppler effect, but it IS possible to get more than one wheel rotation per beat.

In combination these appear to be additive. So if you find yourself on Ashford Dunwoody behind a BMW SUV driven by a blond Junior Leaguer with a cell phone glued to her ear and blowing smoke out the open window as she starts a right hand turn, then you might just as well wait until tomorrow to get where you're going.