Wednesday, November 24, 2010

TSA Compensation

No one with a brain really believes those new photo-realistic full body scanners and the hands-on junk-checks are there to improve our safety or even if that were the intent that this is in any way effective. In fact, it is much more than that--and also somewhat less.

The truth was uncovered by a service technician who spent a day repairing an airport security scanner. TSA agents have developed an uncanny means of determining who, and to what extent, members of the traveling public are "compensating". The following conversation between two TSA agents, while totally fictitious, was overheard by this technician at a nearby airport. Judge for yourself.

"Lookee here, dat small enough for a Bimmer?"

"Nah, that's definitely a 'Vette."

"What you say? Why you sure?"

"Look at dat shirt, man, half way open and the only thang he got hangin' dat disco bling. 'Vette. All the way 'Vette."

"Man, dat's cheatin'. You s'posed to be lookin' at the dude's junk, not da wrapper. You got dat one, but dis next one, lordamercy! He makes 'em happy. Whatcha think? Pickup truck?"

"Hell, yes. And he PUSHED it here. From Macon. Now look a' dis. TI-nee! Gotta be either a Bimmer...7 series, or a Benz. A big Benz. S-class."

"Nah, Johnson ain't got no hoodie. Betcha dat's a Jag."

"Well I'm gonna find out." The Traveler has moved down the line, but the TSA agent approaches, "Excuse me sir, but we just found some BMW keys and were wondering if they might be yours..."

The Traveler, with an air of indignation and an appropriately sized British accent replied, "Certainly not! I drive only Aston Martin."

Upon returning the other Agent asks, "I was right, it's a Jag ain't it?"

"Nope. His Majesty ONLY drives as-TON mar-TIN!"

"You can call me James..."

"...or you can call me Bond..."

Both: "...but ya doesn't have to call me Mister Johnson!"

Laughter all around.

Now we know: it isn't about safety, it isn't just a game of "peek-a-boo" and it sure as hell isn't about our Fourth Amendment rights. No, it's a competitive sport. And the TSA may not be able to find a terrorist, but with one look at Little Willy Winky, they know your "compensation". So if the next time you fly you see the TSA agent squinting, you just tell him the heater in your dump truck is busted.