Saturday, September 26, 2009

Dunwoody Joins War On Drugs

Though the official announcement has been delayed due to difficulty in arranging the proper photo-ops, it is all but certain that Dunwoody will be engaging in The War On Drugs. Dunwoody's three-star chief has proposed a Narcotics Task Force and will anoint an officer to join The War.

Now, you're probably thinking "how can just one officer make a meaningful contribution to America's already successful War On Drugs? Isn't this just wasting our money on some egotistical grab for glory?" Well you just aren't thinking about this the right way. Of course one officer won't make a dent in the production, distribution, sale or consumption of illegal drugs. But one officer is more than enough to haul in assets confiscated by those who really do make meaningful contributions to The War.

And that is what this is really all about---grabbing as much as we can of other people's money while contributing as little as possible. If we could make the Narcotics Task Force Officer a part time position we probably would.

Still, you may be worried this will lead to draconian enforcement of victimless crimes in Dunwoody, that you need to be more careful, perhaps even moving some of your smoking off the deck and back indoors. Well, that may just be normal, harmless paranoia, or...if the tit we give up for all that tat is allowing real LEOs into the city to enforce drug laws, you just might want to make sure that's real grass growing in your yard and not some weed.

Of course no one at City Hall would speak on the record, but a strange combination of French Roast and a deficiency in the potty training of others was quite revealing. As so often happens, French Roast can run through you like a Parisian fleeing the Nazis and is accompanied by a persistent demand intolerant of denial or delay. While this is annoyingly time consuming, in this case it created a serendipitous opportunity to be privy to the inner workings of our fair city...

...shortly after the restroom door opened it  was obvious two others had entered...

"Can you believe that loser expected official comment on what we're doing with the Narco force?"

"Can't these folks get it through their heads? They're only needed for taxes, fines and votes and we only need a little over half the damn votes. So, how is it coming with Narco? You got someone lined up?"

"Yeah.  She starts next week."

"SHE? Whattaya mean SHE? Don't we have enough of them already?"

"Dude, this one's a real looker. Plus, it isn't like she really has to do anything."

"Yeah, right. I bet she'll be doing plenty. Just keep it quiet and no matter what don't let her touch the thermostat. I hate it when they keep playing with the damn thermostat. And I don't care how good she is at what she's not really doing, she needs to hit the ground running on this Narco thing. We've got a river of money flowing 'round 285 and we need to tap into it. Now!"

"Damn right. And we need to start pickin' up some sweet rides like those guys at DeKalb---and I call dibs on the first Escalade."

"Done. With a ride like that you can pick up a box lunch anywhere in the ATL---that's where you need to be gettin' your doing done."

At this point they started giggling. For the record, grown men giggling in a restroom is almost too much to bear. Fortunately one headed to the sink and the other apparently went straight for the door.

"Hey, didn't your ole man teach you to wash up after doin' business?"

"Didn't yours teach you not to piss on your hands?"

Apparently no one taught them there is only one kind of business you should be doing in a public restroom.

So dear reader, there you have it. With the Toll Trolls, and now the Narcs, one thing is for certain: when you deal with this City Hall, you'll want to wash up.