Demon Rum

Dear god, what have we done?

Are you bored? Got some time on your hands? Need little laugh or maybe a real good cry? Then cruise on over and fetch the proposed Dunwoody likker law. It's a hoot. These are just a few miscellaneous notes from a quick read:

In legalese is 'or' inclusive or exclusive? If the former, is not article 2, section 3, item b not semantically equivalent to item c? One thing is for sure, legalese isn't english.

Why can't someone have a financial interest in a retailer and a wholesaler? Does the separation guarantee a bigger sin tax or do they just figure the more the merrier?

So the caterer at my daughter's wedding has to get separate license just for the Champagne Toast? Wow.

Are members of the License Review Board paid, or do they just get the fun of wielding power?
Mayor: "Hey Sam, wanna bust some chops?"
Sam: "Sure, I'd love to twist a few screws! Whatcha got in mind?"
Mayor: "You'll get to sit on the License Review Board. You whup up on folks who just wanna make a living and when you finally give 'em a chance, we'll bleed 'em dry."
Sam: "Sounds like fun, when do I start?"
Mayor: "Next week, but we'll go over the details after church tomorrow."
Sam: "See ya there."

Is the Dunwoody Bottle Shop far enough away from the private daycare/school? Will that impede the opening of restaurants in that shopping center?

Does article 4 section 3 effectively prohibit the Pavillion from serving drinks on their patio? Or do they and Mellow Mushroom get a special permit? Oh, and then there's Park Bench/High Cotton/Peter's/What's Next...

Thank God! Our underage children can still go to the rail, even on Sunday! But only a minister, rabbi or priest can give 'em booze in public--parents have to keep it at home. Wouldn't want anyone getting any ideas, eh?

Article 5, subsection 6 is such a strange mix of weird and funny it is (almost) impossible to comment. And "areola"? Can you even print that in Dunwoody? What, did the Prude Patrol go missing at the Promise Keepers convention? And just what is meant by "expose to view"? Does a chill in the air put T-shirted waiters and waitresses out of business? (Remember men have areola as well and it says "below the top").

The Fourth Amendment rights you give up to become licensed is downright offensive. Looks like our Police will get to search you in places you're not allowed to expose if you want to keep your license. "Put that drink down, we're doing a cavity search!" "But the drink's for me and that's why I need the drink in the first place!"

Article 7, section 2, items f and g imply that the minibars at the W have to be locked up at 2 AM. Oh, and should Dunwoody ever have a bed and breakfast...oops, not enough rooms. Who needs a B+B anyway. Totally out of place in Dunwoody.

Thank goodness we cut the veterans a little slack. Where is the Dunwoody VFW anyway?

But...no drinkin' and dancin'...that leads to licenscious behavior. Good thing the bowling alley is ITP. Can you imagine the symbolism some might attach to rolling a hard ball down a long lane with gutters on each side? Thank god they knock the pins down.

And we retain that wonderful DeKalb county restriction on more than one drink on the table at a time. That's right..."chug it down sir or I can't give you that second glass of wine". Hell, who wants to eat out anyway? And what about Macaroni Grill? If memory serves they just leave the whole bottle.

And finally, Article 8: money, money, money! Now that's what it's really all about!

Truth be told there are only a few reasons for these ordinances:

1. To make lots of money for the city---and who will complain about a sin tax?
2. To keep out undesirables: late night revelers from ITP, and strip clubs and the gentlemen who patronize them.

It does both of these very well. Can we sic these guys on tobacco next? Maybe then we'll be solvent.

TOD