Magic Pews at DUMC!

Magic pews have been reported at Dunwoody United Methodist Church.

These seats are reserved for, if not created by, the few, the elite, the 'Founders of Dunwoody'. There have been reports of an eery light shining forth and a faint odor, something between lilac, Old Spice and an extinguished match. After these events the occupants of the magic pews are reported to speak in tongues, often appearing to have more than one. Their voices are sonorous, with glowing words carrying no intelligible meaning. Ironically they rarely sing the hymns during the service but merely mouth the words.

Those close to the matter report a self-righteous glow emanating from those who, in brief moments of rapture, claim to hear a booming voice of moral authority tell them that their end justifies any means and that the Golden Rule is for ordinary schmucks, not the chosen, or even self-appointed, few.

Officials at DUMC refused to comment, except to say that flash photography is not allowed during church services. Nonetheless many in the congregation have reported frequent Sunday sightings as well as occasional midweek occurrences.

While a vast majority of events have been reported at DUMC, the phenomena is not unique to the Methodists. There are reports of sightings at local Catholic churches as well as the First Baptist Bank of Dunwoody. While the diocese refused to comment on specific incidents, they indicated this is a matter for the Vatican as it is unclear whether this warrants exorcism or beatification. No two officials of the local Baptist organizations provided a consistent response.

Reports from the local Jewish community are far less frequent, comprising mostly unsubstantiated rumors of charred bushes in and around synagogue parking lots. While some consider these divine signs, others dismiss them as results of the ongoing drought. A local rabbi mostly deflected questions on the matter. "So, you're looking for self-righteous politicians?" "And you're having trouble finding them?"

Not surprisingly, there have been no reports of sightings from the Unitarians.

Speaking off the record, on the QT and strictly hush-hush, several ecclesiastical authorities cautioned against ordinary lay persons attempting to occupy these special seats--if of course they really exist. It is their considered opinion that the ordinary, good people of their flock are of fine character and high moral integrity and thus ill-equipped for these positions. They fear lay persons would surely be struck dead, or worse yet become like one of the usual occupants of these magic pews.

TOD