Guest Post: Baby It's Hot Outside

Once again we reach out to Calinky, this time with an uncle and nephew reminiscing about the wisdom imparted by a recently departed brother and father. You'll find that you can't fix stupid, but sometimes you can avoid it.

Harry, I gotta tell ya, I was down at the fillin' station last week listening to young'uns, no offense, bitchin' 'bout their power bill and how the power company reported record earnings. Like they thought those two don't somehow go together. 

Isn't the "fillin' station" that bar down the street from the "Town Pump"?

Yep, and that Whore House has the best Italian in the tri-state area. Francesca's putane...

Back on track?

Anyway it got me to thinkin' about yer dad, brother John, and how he tried to save pops from a big mistake, and how he sure as hell saved me from one. Ya see, there was this one guy preachin' hellfire and damnation to the power company and heapin' all praise and glory on his magnificent solar system. Ya remember when, back in the late '70s I think, when pops put that solar water heatin' system on his roof? Course ya don't. Anyway that thing was trouble from day one. Hardly ever worked. Almost never stopped leaking. Finally froze up and pops paid more than it cost to rip it out. Tore up the roof somethin' fierce. John tried to tell him it was a bad idea. In fact, he told him that whenever the government "gives" you money to do something then that is most certainly something you should not do. Pops wouldn't listen. Said John was showing off that fancy book learnin' he got at that trade school over near Atlanta. What was that...

Southern Tech. He went to Southern Tech, but it's gone now. So is he.

Well, 'bout twenty years after pops learned his lesson I was fixin' to get ready to learn mine. It was the late nineties, maybe early naughties, and folks were puttin' these solar panels on their roofs to make their own electricity. My neighbor got some, and upfront they were expensive, but he was so excited about all the money he was gonna save on his power bill, while neighbors like me were gonna pay and pay. Next time I was over to John's he was grillin' steaks on pops' PK...whatever happened...

On the deck. Use it every chance I get.

Good. Pops'd be proud. He didn't talk much about Korea but he loved that PK. And John, he could make that thing singe a steak just right. Durin' dinner that night I was tellin' him 'bout everybody gettin' these solar systems and how I was thinkin' 'bout getting one too. He got that look on his face. You know the one, not smilin', not frownin', just looking atcha like you're a damn fool breathin' his air. Without permission. Well, he lit into quite the lecture. While we were eatin'.

"I got no clue what problem you're trying to solve, and I'm certain you don't either.  But whatever it may be let's look at what you're getting into. Now I understand the price of these systems can be all over the map, but it seems they run between twenty and fifty grand, and that's a lot of money. Let's say you're looking at thirty grand, but you ain't got thirty grand, you ain't getting it from me, so you're gonna have to get a loan. Let's say you drag this out for fifteen years, presuming you're going live there that long, then at today's interest rates I'd say you're probably looking at a payment of about $250. Let's use that. What the hell are you doing, running the A/C with the windows open? Yeah, yeah, you could get some money selling extra power back to the company, but they're gonna pay you what it costs them to generate, not what you pay. Outside of summer, that's pretty much what you're getting out of that system. During summer, you might run your A/C for free, during the day, but at night you're still paying out. You'll be lucky to save more than $100 per month on average."

"Then it gets worse. These things lose efficiency as they age, mostly in the first year, about ten percent. It slows down after that, but they will still lose efficiency. Time you pay off the loan, they ain't gonna be what you bought. They are also high tech electronics, and like all high tech electronics, next year's version is gonna be better, either at the same or a lower cost. Ain't quite like Moore's law and computers, but they're gonna get better and cheaper. Then there's hail. You do remember hail, don't you? Don't answer that. You get reminded every time you see those dents in the hood of your pickup. Shattered the windshield if I remember correctly. Hail will do the same thing to those panels. You probably don't have insurance to cover that. In fact, you may not be able to get it and if you can it's gonna cost."

By now we're done with dinner and are sitting in the den nursing our beers. Didn't slow the lecture. Not one bit. 

"I'm gonna tell what you should spend your money on that's better than solar. Stock. Specifically stock in the power company. I know. You hate them. But you only hate them because they're making money. Always have. Always will. See, the power company is regulated and driven by government forces. Governments are handing out "incentives" to get companies to move to your state, and this seems to be working. This drives up demand for electricity, and the power company has to meet that demand. But they are also regulated by a Public Utility Commission that prohibits them from charging whatever the hell they want. I know it doesn't seem like that when you write that monthly check, but trust me, they'd charge more than that if they could. But the PUC also has to consider what the ratepayers are actually paying for, and in general, they would prefer that not be interest. They know meeting demand means capital investment that will require the power company take on debt, so the PUC wants to keep the bond rating high, and that means the power company must be in good financial standing. That's key to what I'm about to tell you."

"Let's say after loan payment, insurance premium, power savings and buyback that your net average monthly expense is $175. Now let's say that instead of spending that on keeping up with the Jones' that you invest that in power company stock. At current prices you'll pick up about 10 shares a month, and with the stock appreciating at around six percent per year you will buy fewer as you go along, but you'll average 5 shares per month ending up with around 900 shares. These will be worth more than you paid, and by my guesstimate they will also yield at least $1.75 per month in dividends. That's a little over $1500 per year."

"I'm gonna suggest you reinvest the dividends, and not just because that's what I do, but because this will drop that six percent stock price appreciation down down to one and a half, and you'll end up with well over 1500 shares. That's over $2600 per year in dividends. Now I am assuming you have $175 a month to invest in power company stock, but it seems like you're willing to commit to more than that anyway. See, the savings are speculative, the cost of those panels is set in stone."

I don't know if I wasn't expecting him to sell past the close, or if it was the beer, but I didn't see the knock out punch til it landed. 

"Here's the best thing. Let's suppose you and Nancy stay in that house until you retire, say twenty, maybe twenty five years from now. Those solar panels will be shot, if they're even still there. You may actually have to replace the roof, which means taking them off, and then will it be worth the cost to rehang clapped out panels? Don't think so. But let's assume they are there when you retire, and that when you retire you guys move. Maybe to the beach. Maybe the mountains, my choice, but wherever. You move. You ain't taking those panels with. But those dividends will follow you anywhere, and if you want you can pay the power bill wherever that might be. And if you decide to keep up the investment past the original fifteen years, maybe five or ten more, you'll easily be looking at $3500-$4000 annual dividends when you retire. Plus, the money you invested has been safe, even from inflation. You'll have a cushion. Very likely over $100K. Looks better than solar panels to me."

That was a great steak, good beer and a damn long lecture. But I took yer dad's advice. Every word of it, and it worked out better than he said it would. We retired a couple of years ago, we did move, and we don't pay any utility bills. Not electric, not gas, not water, not even internet. It's all paid by the power company. So while I was sittin' at that bar, hearin' those whiners goin' on and on about how corrupt the big bad power company is, I thought about how stupid they are, how stupid I was, and how lucky I was to have the best big brother ever. But you're luckier than I could ever be, because he was your dad.

Guest Post: Heart To Heart

After far too long, TOD is re-visited by the Calinky Cousin's Cuisine, and once again, it does not disappoint. The years and pandemic have softened the rougher edges leaving the language only slightly spicier than the meal. As is the case with almost all non-manufactured food, finding out where food really comes from can trigger folks. But you know what? It turns out that experts all over the interweb now agree with TOD that if you find yourself triggered, that's your problem. So buck up buttercup. Plus, if you're easily triggered, what the hell are you doing here?

So once again, here we go... 

I really have to thank ya for turning me on to that dawg meat store over in Athens. Man, they got the best bacon outside of gramps' back yard, and I don't have to slop their hogs. I know I told ya, and I'm pretty sure ya forgot, but I had planned on stopping in on the way here. Maybe get some ribs or steaks or maybe even one of them "picanha" which sounds like a South American fish, but ain't. I got there 'bout time they opened, and lo and behold they had lamb. Not just chops and racks and legs, but they had off cuts. Heart and liver. Fine eatin'. Now come to find out they only had one heart cuz they had given, like fer free, the rest to some school so they could cut it up, which is what we're about to do. Only difference is, we're gonna eat ours and I bet they threw theirs away. 

Now a lot of folks take a lamb heart and stuff it. Usually with a sausage stuffing like Aunt Norma used to make for her Thanksgiving bird. It's like they think a lamb heart is some meaty bell pepper. We ain't gonna do that. We're gonna clean it up, break it down, marinate it, grill it and slice it. Just like we did that beef heart last time ya stopped by. Ya know...ya really could show up for something other than a funeral. We are running low on relatives. And maybe even dress like someone other than Johnny Cash. 

So first off we gotta trim some fat. Not all of it, but we really wanna get the big chunks at the top and maybe trim some of the thicker bits on the sides. Ya gotta leave some for flavor but since we're gonna grill this, if ya leave too much ya might end up with a grease fire. That ain't no way to smoke yer meat. 

Now ya mighta noticed, if ya put yer damn phone down, that this heart came with some of the plumbing still hooked up.  We're gonna cut that out. 

And while we're at it let's open this up so we can get to some of the lining on the inside, cuz we wanna make that disappear too. If ya got a pet, a real pet, like a cat or a dog, ya can take all those trimmings and make a friend for life. Ya might wanna feed yer dog a sweet tater first. Just sayin'. 

There ya go. Two fine looking pieces of Little Dead Quadruped ready for a marinade. And we're gonna keep that simple, and only make a little bit of it. We don't need this swimming in a pool, just enough to coat the meat. A bit of oil, some cumin, black pepper and make a garlic paste with one clove and a little salt. Ya let that stew in the fridge for a few hours, overnight if ya can, but we ain't, and we're ready to grill. 

Ya do remember the first rule, maybe the only rule, about cooking meat, dontcha? That's right. Don't overcook it. And before ya start grilling put on a pot of rice to go with them hearts, and we can throw in some olives and capers like ya do with that fancy sauce ya make. What's that ya called it again? Hmmm. Yeah. Italian whore sauce*. But we'll just use the olives and capers.  Ya can get those out. Now. 

Off the grill ya gotta let it rest, but not as much as ya might with a chop or a steak. Heart is pure muscle, real lean, so it is easy to ruin by overcooking but it don't need much of a rest. So then we're gonna slice it, not too thick, not too thin, and plate up with rice and artichokes. Ya did remember to grill the artichokes didn't ya?

Look at that. Ya didn't overcook it. 

Now what happened to that liver?

* Puttanesca. Look up "puttan" in your favorite online Italian-English dictionary. 

Guest Post: Teary Mizzou

This is yet-another-food post, from the same ole Calinky but this time a Calinky abroad. Italy to be specific. This is a twist on an Italian classic as interpreted by a teetotaling backslidin' Baptist. 

You cannot make this up.

Ya know the gun run to Eye-Tall-ee and did we have fun. Picked up some of the finest WWII firearms and the stories are all true. These guns have never been fired and only dropped once. And priced to sell. Ya find me an M1 Garand in that shape and it'll cost a hunderd times what these'll set ya back. 

It shoulda been a quick in-n-out but yer cousin Aaron, why my sister named that fool Aaron is beyond me, but Aaron wanted to soak up some culture like it's biscuits and gravy or somethin'. Someone married to his first cousin once removed could certainly use some or somethin' or anythin' but he's the only one of us who looked through that peephole in the door on top that hill in Rome who was disappointed. I guess after walkin' around the You Feezy looking at naked paintings and statues of men showin' off their shortcomings he musta thought he was gonna see somethin' other than a garden and the Vatican dome. That boy ain't right. 

I did tell you that them Eye-Tall-ee-ans talk funny, right? They pronounce every vowel. Every. Stinkin'. Vowel. Makes 'em hard to understand even when they're talking Amurican. Like that restaurant in Rome. Elle Effe ain't "ell eff" like it is here. Nope, it is "ell-AY eff-AY." Why they gotta say all that? Ya should hear 'em talk food. It's almost like they're makin' fun of ya. Or themselves. 

Anyway, all that week we in the Tuscan big house watchin' grapes grow we kept hearing about "teary Mizzou." I don't know why they call it Tuscany cuz there ain't no elephants anywhere though they kept talkin' about someone called "Hannibal." Some kinda elephant rancher and not the Hannibal I'd heard of. Anyhow I expected to see a lot of Cryin' Tigers cuz they got a whoopin' from the Tide. Nope. No tigers. No oliphants. Turns out this is some kinda dessert, like a coffee cream pie. And the folks at the big house showed me how to make it and that's what I'm gonna ya. Pay attention. 

This is all the shit ya gotta have. 

First ya gotta make coffee with that silly little coffee pot. Don't take long. Don't make much. But man is it strong. Add some sugar and ya wanna let that cool 'fore using. 

Now I did switch this up as them ain't chicken eggs, they's duck eggs, well three of 'em are. Why? Cuz I had some. Now normally ya'd use chicken eggs, but I had three duck eggs and used the whites outa a chicken egg. The yolks are all duck and duck eggs are damn near all yolk. As you know or are about to find out, duck whites hold on tight to that yolk and we gonna have to scrape it off with the back of a knife and ya notice it is whiter than chicken. But here ya go.

Three Yolks And Four Whites

Add in some sugar. Now I'm usin' some of that fancy Demerara stuff 'cuz I wanna make this vegetarian, well if yer one of them dairy-egg vegetarians. Fun fact, most o' that plain white sugar ain't vegan. It's processed with somethin' called "bone char" that is exactly what it sounds like. Ya gotta wonder why.

Power up that hand mixer 'til you get something like this.

Dump in both them Eye-Tall-EE-un cream cheeses and keep on beatin'. 

Switch to that whisk and attack them whites. Ya wanna stiff peak but ya know better than to over whip, don't ya. Sorta like dealing with yer kids. 

Dump the whites in the cheesy yolks.

Add a couple dollops of cream and fold together. Lots of foldin' but not too much. See?

Get everything ready to put this bad boy together.

Dip the "lady fingers" into the coffee. Not too long. Just long enough. Let 'em sit a bit to soak up the coffee. 

Layer of fillin'. Layer of fingers.

Two more layers and a final layer of fillin'. Then to chillin.

Dust, real good, with cacao. Now I'm usin' cacao, not cocoa, cuz cacao ain't processed nearly as much as cocoa and it ain't never dutched. Now some folks say cacao is bitter but with all that sugar and cream cheese, bitter might just be what this thing needs. 

Then serve it up.

It's a mess. A cool mess, but a good mess.

Now some folks do things a little different. Some folks add booze. Not sure what kind but they do. Other folks, probably those using cocoa, sprinkle each layer in the pie. Try it if ya like but I'm doin' what I've been taught. At least a few times.

Guest Post: Pork Fat Rules

This is yet another food lesson from TOD's rather foul-mouthed but well-intended Calinky cook. Rest assured, the kitchen is cleaner than the language.

Look, I know you girls had it rough growin' up and yer momma, my sister, did the best she could. But yer daddy was on a first name basis with half of SLED and she to go it alone most of the time and deal with that worthless son of, sorry, yer daddy, the rest of the time so it ain't no wonder you didn't learn 'bout cooking. We gonna fix that. We gonna learn pork fat.

When we say "pork fat rules" we ain't talking like that loud mouth bam-bam man, we're about learnin' the rules of pork fat. Most folks think about bacon or maybe fat-back when they hear "pork fat" and I know some folks are out there payin' way too much to somebody slappin' pork belly on a plate. I ain't never seen it and I never want to, but I know it happens. I heard stories and they're just so unbelievable they gotta be true. The rules we're talking about are the magic of making that fat into lard. Yep, we're gonna make pig butter cuz there ain't no better fat in a righteous kitchen. 

Making good lard means startin' with good fat and I know what you're thinking 'cuz I saw that look on yer face. You can pull those eyes back down and start payin' attention. Now there actually are different kinds of fat on a hog and yeah, bacon, back, belly, they're all pork fat. Good pork fat. Not the best pork fat. The best pork fat don't come off the hog it comes outa the hog. We're talkin' leaf fat. Now some folks call this leaf lard, but it ain't lard until we make it into lard, which is exactly what we're gonna do.

I see that. Yeah, that look. Like you wonderin' why you don't just go down to the grocery and buy some lard. Well, they're sellin' lard at most places but it ain't really lard. It's crap. Some kind of high-draw-jenny-ated greasy crap. We don't let that crap in our kitchen and we sure as hell ain't puttin' it in our food. Now you actually can buy lard that ain't all crapped up, but you're gonna pay fifteen, maybe twenty or more dollars for less than a pound.  Now I like me some lard, but that's a bit too proud for my purse.  

And you wanna know somethin'? I went by that university meat market you rant on and on about and I got them to pull me some leaf fat. Cost me less than fifteen dollars for over ten pounds. I know you're not just a smart-ass but you're got some real smarts so you're wondering what this leaf fat really is. Turns out hogs are a lot like other folks, especially the fat ones, because they got some fat inside their bellies. We can't call that belly fat cuz pork belly is already taken, so they called it leaf fat. Now some folks say that is because when you pull it out it looks like a leaf, but I've pulled more than my share of fat outa hogs and it ain't never looked like no leaf I've ever seen. This fat sits around the kidneys and what makes it the best fat for lard is it don't taste of hog. It comes without any bits of meat like the outside fat and that's where the hog flavor lives. Leaf fat is plain, pure fat. Best fat for the best lard. 

Bag O' Leaf Lard

We're gonna turn that bagga fat into the best lard you're ever gonna cook with, which considering you've never cooked with lard ain't a real big chore. Everybody thinks they know how to make lard, you render it right? Yeah, you do, but you probably don't know exactly how to do it and if you don't pay attention you will screw it up. Only a few steps but all real important. We're gonna cut the fat up just enough to fit in that big pot of yers and we're gonna soak it in water. Overnight. Then we're gonna pull the fat offa that tough lining it's hangin' on to. We clean the pot, put the nekkid fat back in and now we can start what most folks think of when they hear renderin'. But they ain't thinking past pot-on-a-burner to melt some fat. Ain't that easy. Or fast. First we add some water. I know, you're wondering why anyone would add water to fat. We're gonna have this over a very low heat but we still don't want to burn any of the fat so we add some water to keep the fat at the bottom from hot spottin' before some of the fat gets to meltin'. Once we get some fat meltin' it won't burn and the water'll boil off. Plus you gotta remember that hogs gots lots of water in 'em anyway and that all has to boil off so a little more ain't gonna hurt noway. Nuther thing lotsa folks don't get is this ain't happenin' real quick. It's gonna take time. Hours. Quite a few. Like all day. In fact you may need to heat all day, turn the heat off and come back the next day to finish it off. 'Cuz you ain't gonna sleep easy with a pot of hot fat sittin' on the cooker and weighin' on yer mind.

How do you know yer lard is done? Because when you render lard you're removing the fat from the tissue the fat comes in and when that happens you not only get liquid lard you get cracklin's. These little bits of precious should be small and they should be lightly brown since they been slow cooking in lard. Once you're at that point, say after six to twelve hours, we'll process some lard. 

Once yer lard is done you gotta strain it and store it. Best to use wide-mouth mason jars for storage and you can use a cannin' funnel to fill 'em up. You'll need a good ladle and something to strain the lard so the cracklin's don't end up in yer lard. I use yer granny's old tea strainer but lotsa folks use cheese cloth. You ever tried to wash cheese cloth? Don't. 

Straining Tools

There's one thing you're only gonna forget once: liquid lard is damn hot. That lesson might head yer way because you're forgetful or a bit clumsy. Like I said, it is damn hot, hot enough that the yer jar might break and if that happens you don't want it just sittin' on a counter cuz you'll end up dancing in broken glass and hot lard. Not as funny as it sounds. Whatcha wanna do is put the jar in one of them large steel bowls you been ravin' on so if it breaks, you're only out a jar and some lard. You wanna strain the lard as you fill the jars and fill them up to the shoulder so there's a bit of air left in the jar. When you put the lid, hand tighten it but remember that there lard is hot and now the jar is too. Treat it with care and an oven glove comes in real handy. 

Liquid Gold

The lid dimples will be standin' proud but as the lard cools over the next few hours you'll hear them ping as they seat in. It'll probably be tomorrow before the lard finishes coolin' and after that you can put it away 'til you need some. 

Hard Lard

And ya wanna know something else? You not only have a load of lard you got yerself some mighty fine cracklin's. 

Fine Mess O' Cracklin

Next time we're in the kitchen we're making some butter milk biscuits. And then? Cracklin' corn bread. 

Guest Post: Calinky In The Kitchen

Once again we have our favorite Calinky in the kitchen, this time with, of all things: quiche. As always the spicy language has been moderated so as not to offend the more sensitive palates. Without further ado. 

A Calinky, especially a low-country Calinky will eat darn near anything. But not that surrender-monkey speciality, quiche. That ain't even a real word let alone real food. Another thing about Calinkies, even low-country Calinkies, is we got to grow veggies. And the older we get the more we got to do it and the more we end up litterin' the larder. Stuff just piles up. One thing you got to grow is squash. No one knows why 'cuz it is the most appropriately named veggie in the garden. Maybe the whole world. Squash. Hard to cook so it doesn't look exactly how it sounds. 

But there is one way. Bake it into an egg pie. Now credit where due: this egg pie is inspired by the lovely young doctor who took us to that Eddie Izzard concert in the before times. I didn't have no grocery store pie crusts so I had to make do with my own but since I got one of them ee-murshun blenders that comes with a pigmy food processor I didn't have to fork the butter into the flour. So my messy-plates for the crust was just a cup and a quarter of flour, a stick of butter, a half teaspoon each of salt and sugar and about a quarter cup of real cold water. 

The butter and water gotta be real cold. Heck, you cain't even cube up the butter unless it is pretty near frozen and it don't hurt none to freeze it after you get it chopped up. Ya gotta put the flour, sugar and salt in first and run the machine to mix it all up. 

Then you add the butter and run it 'til the butter bits are small pea sized. After that you add the water and grind on it until you get a dough that holds together. Make sure you don't take it so far the butter bits completely disappear. If you do there ain't no fixin' it and you gotta start over. 

Now the easiest way to work the dough is to dump it onto a sheet of Sara's wrap and then you can roll up the edges, push down with your knuckles and bring the dough together. Run it with the rolling pin to make sure it is all together and fills the plastic. Dough done. EZPZ. 

Start

Finish

Hopefully you did this real quick and the dough is still cold but you still gotta put it in the fridge for a while to keep that butter cool. Don't make much sense but when you take it out you have to let it sit a few minutes to keep it from splittin' all around the edges. Roll it 'til you're sure it'll fit the pie pan.

Get it into the pie pan, make sure it is in the pan all way 'round. If you don't know how to use the rollin' pin to get a crust in a pan your momma didn't raise you right and there ain't no fixin' that either. 

Depending on the pan you can use the rollin' pin to trim off the excess. 

I use the trimmin's to make cookie cutter stars cuz I don't want to throw out that much dough. 

The filling's got two parts and a few ingredients. 

First is the veggie we're trying to get rid of in the first place. This is just sliced thin either with a knife or a vegetable peeler. Your choice. These strips are placed on edge from the outside spiraling in to the center. Mix and match squash with zucchini and eggplant if you got 'em. For the liquid chicken mix that makes this an egg pie you're gonna need eggs, cheese, fresh thyme and maybe a little cream or half and half. Put all this in a bowl and mix. 

You pour this over the veggies already in the pie, adorn with the stars and you're about ready to bake.

This thing has to bake in a pre-heated 375 degree oven for about 20-25 minutes and you'd be wise to keep an eye on it after the 20 minute mark. Other than that, cook it until it is done. 

That's an egg pie and you cain't hardly tell there's squash in there. Now you might be thinkin' the yellow color comes from the squash. Think agin. That yellow comes from the egg yolks cuz these are backyard chickens and that's what you get from backyard chickens. The best thing is that even when you slice it you still cain't tell there is squash in there. The best way to eat squash is when you don't know you're eating squash. 

Guest Post : Good Grits Charlie Brown

In spite of calls to "Quit it with the food posts" TOD has offered this space for a holiday, hell, a Christmas, food post. A few members of TOD met up with this poster at Eddie Izzard's Force Majueure Tour stop in Athens as the Charleston show sold out before they could score tickets. Dining at one of the finer Athens' restaurants an order of shrimp and grits was secured. The general consensus was "Friends Don't Let Friends Make Bad Grits." So here we are.

While the guest author generally writes and speaks like the author of  Thug Kitchen we requested the language be a little less R-Rated. Nonetheless some of the juicy bits have been redacted and some wording exchanged for the original, spicier expressions. While humor was compromised content remains undiluted.

Without further ado...

Lobster Broth Grits With Brown Butter Lobster Medallions

I am Calinky. South Calinky to be precise but some of my favorite relatives lived and are buried up north in blue sky Carolina. Being a Calinky I know pluff mud and I've been to the Chitlin' Strut. I know the Shag ain't what you think it is and I know Dukes is the only mayo. I know ramps and poke weed and I know anyone who eats 'em is antisocial or dirt poor. Or both. I've gigged my share of frogs, the hoppity kind, and my crawdaddies are fresh from the creek. I cook in my mother's mother's cast iron and grill on my daddy's PK.

And I know grits. We're not talking hominy we're talking grits. One thing I know is if you're gonna make good grits you gotta start with good grits. And good grits don't come out of a bag with an old man on the front looking like Hillary Clinton on a bad hair day. And "Instant" ain't got nothin' to do with grits.

Good grits come from Anson Mills though in a pinch Carolina Plantation ain't bad. What makes Anson Mills grits so good? They start with good corn--heirloom dent corn as grown by American Indians. Then they work real hard not to screw it up. The let it field ripen and cold mill it. And when you get it, the freezer is where you store it.

Nowadays way too many folks can't say "grits" without saying "shrimp 'n'" first but fact is this seems to come from Yankee Honey Pots (like Hilton Head) with the idea of keeping carpet baggers from dumping sugar on Plain Ole Grits. Can't fix stupid, ain't gonna try. If we're gonna put some kinda sea roach on grits we're going to the palmetto bug of sea roaches, the lobster.

I'm gonna tell you how to cook grits 'n' lobster. Pay attention.

You'll need good grits, lobster tails, some butter and some water. Maybe salt but probably not. Oh, and some kind of garnish. Most folks stick with chives or parsley but cilantro, if you can stand it, has more to add.

You need to start a couple things pretty much at once. Put your grits in a pot and with minimal water, bring to a boil and then turn off the heat. They'll soak a while. At the same time start a quarter stick of butter in a cast iron frying pan and put it on low heat to melt and slightly brown.

While that's going on, cut the lobster tails into sections by slipping the edge of a chef's knife into the gap between top shell joints and cut all the way thru. You'll end up with five pieces and a tail fin. Use a grapefruit spoon to fish the meat out of the shell rings. If you're careful you can get leg meat. Pull out any intestine and drain on paper towels. If you're trying to economize you can cut the larger pieces in half. Put the shells and a half stick of butter into the smallest sauce pan that will hold them. Heat to melt the butter, cover the shells with water, bring to a boil then drop to a simmer. Simmer for five to ten minutes or until you get tired of watching.

Strain the lobster shell broth into the grits, add the remaining grits, bring to a boil and reduce to a low boil/high simmer. You probably have too much liquid and you'll want to slowly reduce. You need to pay attention and stir occasionally.

As the grits reduce you cook the lobster slices. The butter should be browned and you won't need to increase the heat. The lobster will take a couple minutes on each side. Shell sides will go red and the meat white. Flip, finish, drain.

By now the grits should be done, and by "done" we mean al dente. They're called grits for a reason.  At this point you're mostly looking for consistency. Swirl the spoon in the pot and if it holds a trail they're done. If you think they're too thick add water. You should check to see if salt is needed but the lobster broth is probably salt enough.

Plate up.

Grits into bowls. Lobster distributed evenly amongst bowls and your favorite garnish on top.

Et Voila!

Kiss My Grits

Grits are the quintessential Southern staple and as Southern culture is increasingly eroded by waves of Northern migration it has become as much maligned as misunderstood.

Let's fix that.

Grits are more than just a bowl of polenta that didn't make the cut. Much more, as this dish demonstrates.

Black Eyed Mule

Mise en place (for two servings)

High quality grits, about 2-3 ounces per serving
Parmesan Reggiano, coarsely grated
Fresh bacon, one strip per serving
Fresh eggs, one per serving
Fresh parsley
Freshly ground pepper (in the making)

Most grist mills recommend a five to one water to grits ratio but the proper way to cook grits is al dente so go a bit light on the water. The grits should be brought to a boil then dropped to a simmer and stirred as needed to prevent burning and maintain consistency. As plating time arrives should it be determined the grits are too thick there is no harm in adding a small amount of water to achieve the proper consistency.

Put the bacon in a cast iron frying pan on a slow to medium flame as the grits begin heating.  Fresh bacon has a higher moisture content than cured bacons and should be cooked at a low to moderate temp to avoid burning while achieving a crisp finish. If you don't have a cast iron frying pan, get one. This is the South, we even sell these things in hardware stores.

Once the bacon is crisp remove and place on paper towels to drain. Crumble when drained. Pour off any excess grease then scrape the sticky bits of bacon (fond) loose but do not discard as this only adds to the magic of good eggs.

Keeping the heat low to moderate crack two eggs into the frying pan. You want properly cooked "sunny side up" eggs--well cooked white and a runny yolk--but err to the side of undercooked. Resist the temptation to turn up the heat as this results in a crispy bottom crust--what we call "burned". If you're in a hurry cook covered, it won't really cook any faster but you can't see it so you won't know it and you'll be left to stir the grits which will keep you occupied.

Once the eggs are cooked the grits are done and should not be runny but should not be so thick that they do not readily close behind a spoon pulled thru the pot. If too thick thin with a cautiously small amount of water and give it a minute to heat.

Split the grits between two bowls, reserving a small portion for the demon dawg lest an unholy stench lead authorities to your half-eaten rotting corpse. What they will mistake as "man's best friend" loyally defending his fallen master will in fact be a demonic hell-hound protecting his next meal. Play it safe and set something aside.

Add equal shares cheese, reserving the obligatory canine portion.

Again, with the bacon. Again with the dawg.

Place an egg atop each bowl of grits, and grind pepper on the yolk but only the yolk--the black eye.

Garnish with fresh parsley and serve.

Ingredients and Variations

Now that you've done it once it is time to speak of ingredients, options and various combinations.

We all know that top notch ingredients can make a good cook look like a great chef and that it is nigh on impossible to broach this topic without also discussing provenance. The all natural, organic, artisanal, farm to table, locavore movement is in full bloom but sadly has been co-opted by marketing groups who have begun to dilute the movement's value in pursuit of money. This cannot be stopped but we have no intention of helping them along. 

So let's take the ingredients one at a time, starting with the parsley. Grow your own--it's just that simple. You must have a thumb coated in toxic waste to find yourself unable to grow parsley either indoors, outdoors or on the patio. In this climate it will overwinter so there really is no excuse for not using fresh off the stalk parsley in this dish.

Unless you substitute cilantro for the parsley. Again to be used if and only if it is truly fresh--as in you grew it and harvested it within minutes of using it. You should also be aware that cilantro is controversial. Folks seem to love it or hate it with few in between, but if you and yours love it, it is a fine variation so long as you avoid the natural urge to over do it. Moderation please.

There is greater flexibility in cheeses, though stringy cheeses should be avoided if for no other reason that they make eating a fine mess and other equally flavorful options are available. Popular choices range from hard, grating cheeses like parmesan reggiano offering a bit of seasoning and depending on quality a bit of a nutty flavour to a milder feta that adds a creamy texture with a mild taste that is often preferred as a backdrop to cilantro. Goat cheese has been tried but it adds a creamy texture and not much flavour.

Ah, the bacon. Indeed, pork fat rules. Dunwoody is actually blessed with a few excellent sources of bacon, notably The Fresh Market and Whole Foods both providing thick cut, minimally processed product. Minimally, but not fresh, raw bacon, and it is best to avoid the maple cured product in favor of smoke cured. Apple wood cured bacon in proper combination with parsley/cilantro and cheese selection has potential to hit the sweet spot for a broad audience. Even still fresh raw bacon is preferred but sadly for us here in the Wold the nearest, best retail source is the MSTC Meat Sale at UGA in Athens, Ga. As mentioned earlier fresh bacon like any other fresh meat contains more moisture than its more processed brethren. With adequate time, perhaps only a day, two at most the moisture issue can be addressed by "dry curing" in your refrigerator: pat the bacon strips dry, leave uncovered on a plate in the fridge, turning once or twice. If you prefer a saltier bacon you can also dry brine by salting both sides and leaving uncovered in the fridge for about two hours and of course you can combine the techniques.

Eggs, a touchy subject here in the Wold, must be fresh and honestly should be yard raised, perhaps not backyard, certainly not YOUR backyard, but factory eggs kinda taste like they were manufactured. Because they were. But necessity is a mother and you are likely going to have to make the best of a bad situation. Eggland's Best is often a notch above generic house branded product in flavour and freshness excepting The Fresh Market brand which are often the top option available locally. As the eggs are second only to the grits for the enjoyment of this dish it is really worth your trouble to find the best source of the highest quality eggs you possibly can. Egg aficionados, like John Besh, claim they can identify the individual chicken who laid any given egg from their farm. Few dare dispute that claim. Nonetheless the flavour and creaminess of the yolk adds much to this dish. There are some options at local farmers markets, but again the best and closest known at this time is the Athens Eastside Fresh Market with a vendor offering farm fresh options including quail (amuse bouche anyone?) and goose eggs (preferred by bakers) in addition to chicken eggs. No matter, get the best you can.

And finally, what this is all about--grits. If you're looking at a package that is lookin' back at you thru the eyes of an old white man wearin' a funny hat who looks more like Ben Franklin than Jeff Foxworthy, well then, them ain't grits. If you see the work "quick" or "instant" that is a directive. Put it down, quick if not instant-ly. If the package includes the word "hominy" run. Just git the hell out of there. If it really is hominy that's fine but it ain't grits and don't let nobody tell you it is. If it says "hominy grits" gawd only knows what it really is, but...it ain't grits.

But we ARE in the South and as any South Calinky will tell you grits were born then literally and figuratively raised in South Carolina. To this day two of the best suppliers of grits are located just to our east. Both supply yellow and white varieties of extremely high quality and flavour but with some differentiation.

First a bit about the color controversy. Some consider yellow the field corn best suited for animal feed and prefer only white. In Africa yellow corn is held in great disdain as it is yellow corn that is thrown from the back of NGO trucks to "feed the poor Africans". We have found high quality suppliers with more than acceptable white and yellow varieties virtually indistinguishable in flavour and that said we prefer yellow corn for this dish from a presentation perspective. Regardless, taste will not suffer.

The first Calinky option is Carolina Rice Plantation. Their product is sometimes found locally but it is best purchased online as this will reduce the time from mill to meal. True to their name they also supply fine rice products but that is a topic for another time. They supply their grits in handy, reusable two pound canvas bags. Quantity purchase is recommended and grits can be frozen in the original packaging but should be thawed in the fridge to avoid condensation and potential mold. This is a fresh product preserved solely by drying and must remain dry to have any hope of shelf life but may also be cooked directly from the freezer. These grits cook well to al dente with a pronounced corn flavour and minimal sweetness. These have been the go-to grits for the past few years.

Next up is Anson Mills which produces field ripened, cold milled grits from organically grown antebellum heirloom stock and also provide a line of artisanal rice. That should make any new age foodie's Birkenstocks fit just a little bit better. They produce flavourful grits, packaged ready and recommended for freezing arriving in a single bag-in-a-box that is a bit inconvenient for sharing and we should all share, OK?  These also cook well though it takes just a bit longer to bring to a boil as these are kept frozen 'til cooked. They have what many consider a better flavour than Carolina Rice and when cooked al dente produce a slightly creamy broth offering a mouth feel preferred by some. Anson Mills grits are a bit less convenient than Carolina Rice but carry a quality and taste that makes them a fine choice for special occasions.

A discussion of grits suppliers cannot be complete without mentioning a local source, Mills Farm with their signature product Red Mule Grits. While this is a fine product and plays into the name of this dish, it is yet to actually appear in the starring role. It has been sampled at Athens area restaurants, notably NONA, but these were cooked as one would expect in a restaurant--too long resulting in a mushy mouthfeel and muddied flavours. Clearly these grits have potential and we look forward to incorporating them into our cuisine.

It would appear that if you want a varied supply of the best ingredients for this dish you might consider a Friday daytrip to the Classic City. It would be a day well spent.