Guest Post: Heart To Heart

After far too long, TOD is re-visited by the Calinky Cousin's Cuisine, and once again, it does not disappoint. The years and pandemic have softened the rougher edges leaving the language only slightly spicier than the meal. As is the case with almost all non-manufactured food, finding out where food really comes from can trigger folks. But you know what? It turns out that experts all over the interweb now agree with TOD that if you find yourself triggered, that's your problem. So buck up buttercup. Plus, if you're easily triggered, what the hell are you doing here?

So once again, here we go... 

I really have to thank ya for turning me on to that dawg meat store over in Athens. Man, they got the best bacon outside of gramps' back yard, and I don't have to slop their hogs. I know I told ya, and I'm pretty sure ya forgot, but I had planned on stopping in on the way here. Maybe get some ribs or steaks or maybe even one of them "picanha" which sounds like a South American fish, but ain't. I got there 'bout time they opened, and lo and behold they had lamb. Not just chops and racks and legs, but they had off cuts. Heart and liver. Fine eatin'. Now come to find out they only had one heart cuz they had given, like fer free, the rest to some school so they could cut it up, which is what we're about to do. Only difference is, we're gonna eat ours and I bet they threw theirs away. 

Now a lot of folks take a lamb heart and stuff it. Usually with a sausage stuffing like Aunt Norma used to make for her Thanksgiving bird. It's like they think a lamb heart is some meaty bell pepper. We ain't gonna do that. We're gonna clean it up, break it down, marinate it, grill it and slice it. Just like we did that beef heart last time ya stopped by. Ya know...ya really could show up for something other than a funeral. We are running low on relatives. And maybe even dress like someone other than Johnny Cash. 

So first off we gotta trim some fat. Not all of it, but we really wanna get the big chunks at the top and maybe trim some of the thicker bits on the sides. Ya gotta leave some for flavor but since we're gonna grill this, if ya leave too much ya might end up with a grease fire. That ain't no way to smoke yer meat. 

Now ya mighta noticed, if ya put yer damn phone down, that this heart came with some of the plumbing still hooked up.  We're gonna cut that out. 

And while we're at it let's open this up so we can get to some of the lining on the inside, cuz we wanna make that disappear too. If ya got a pet, a real pet, like a cat or a dog, ya can take all those trimmings and make a friend for life. Ya might wanna feed yer dog a sweet tater first. Just sayin'. 

There ya go. Two fine looking pieces of Little Dead Quadruped ready for a marinade. And we're gonna keep that simple, and only make a little bit of it. We don't need this swimming in a pool, just enough to coat the meat. A bit of oil, some cumin, black pepper and make a garlic paste with one clove and a little salt. Ya let that stew in the fridge for a few hours, overnight if ya can, but we ain't, and we're ready to grill. 

Ya do remember the first rule, maybe the only rule, about cooking meat, dontcha? That's right. Don't overcook it. And before ya start grilling put on a pot of rice to go with them hearts, and we can throw in some olives and capers like ya do with that fancy sauce ya make. What's that ya called it again? Hmmm. Yeah. Italian whore sauce*. But we'll just use the olives and capers.  Ya can get those out. Now. 

Off the grill ya gotta let it rest, but not as much as ya might with a chop or a steak. Heart is pure muscle, real lean, so it is easy to ruin by overcooking but it don't need much of a rest. So then we're gonna slice it, not too thick, not too thin, and plate up with rice and artichokes. Ya did remember to grill the artichokes didn't ya?

Look at that. Ya didn't overcook it. 

Now what happened to that liver?

* Puttanesca. Look up "puttan" in your favorite online Italian-English dictionary. 

Guest Post: Teary Mizzou

This is yet-another-food post, from the same ole Calinky but this time a Calinky abroad. Italy to be specific. This is a twist on an Italian classic as interpreted by a teetotaling backslidin' Baptist. 

You cannot make this up.

Ya know the gun run to Eye-Tall-ee and did we have fun. Picked up some of the finest WWII firearms and the stories are all true. These guns have never been fired and only dropped once. And priced to sell. Ya find me an M1 Garand in that shape and it'll cost a hunderd times what these'll set ya back. 

It shoulda been a quick in-n-out but yer cousin Aaron, why my sister named that fool Aaron is beyond me, but Aaron wanted to soak up some culture like it's biscuits and gravy or somethin'. Someone married to his first cousin once removed could certainly use some or somethin' or anythin' but he's the only one of us who looked through that peephole in the door on top that hill in Rome who was disappointed. I guess after walkin' around the You Feezy looking at naked paintings and statues of men showin' off their shortcomings he musta thought he was gonna see somethin' other than a garden and the Vatican dome. That boy ain't right. 

I did tell you that them Eye-Tall-ee-ans talk funny, right? They pronounce every vowel. Every. Stinkin'. Vowel. Makes 'em hard to understand even when they're talking Amurican. Like that restaurant in Rome. Elle Effe ain't "ell eff" like it is here. Nope, it is "ell-AY eff-AY." Why they gotta say all that? Ya should hear 'em talk food. It's almost like they're makin' fun of ya. Or themselves. 

Anyway, all that week we in the Tuscan big house watchin' grapes grow we kept hearing about "teary Mizzou." I don't know why they call it Tuscany cuz there ain't no elephants anywhere though they kept talkin' about someone called "Hannibal." Some kinda elephant rancher and not the Hannibal I'd heard of. Anyhow I expected to see a lot of Cryin' Tigers cuz they got a whoopin' from the Tide. Nope. No tigers. No oliphants. Turns out this is some kinda dessert, like a coffee cream pie. And the folks at the big house showed me how to make it and that's what I'm gonna ya. Pay attention. 

This is all the shit ya gotta have. 

First ya gotta make coffee with that silly little coffee pot. Don't take long. Don't make much. But man is it strong. Add some sugar and ya wanna let that cool 'fore using. 

Now I did switch this up as them ain't chicken eggs, they's duck eggs, well three of 'em are. Why? Cuz I had some. Now normally ya'd use chicken eggs, but I had three duck eggs and used the whites outa a chicken egg. The yolks are all duck and duck eggs are damn near all yolk. As you know or are about to find out, duck whites hold on tight to that yolk and we gonna have to scrape it off with the back of a knife and ya notice it is whiter than chicken. But here ya go.

Three Yolks And Four Whites

Add in some sugar. Now I'm usin' some of that fancy Demerara stuff 'cuz I wanna make this vegetarian, well if yer one of them dairy-egg vegetarians. Fun fact, most o' that plain white sugar ain't vegan. It's processed with somethin' called "bone char" that is exactly what it sounds like. Ya gotta wonder why.

Power up that hand mixer 'til you get something like this.

Dump in both them Eye-Tall-EE-un cream cheeses and keep on beatin'. 

Switch to that whisk and attack them whites. Ya wanna stiff peak but ya know better than to over whip, don't ya. Sorta like dealing with yer kids. 

Dump the whites in the cheesy yolks.

Add a couple dollops of cream and fold together. Lots of foldin' but not too much. See?

Get everything ready to put this bad boy together.

Dip the "lady fingers" into the coffee. Not too long. Just long enough. Let 'em sit a bit to soak up the coffee. 

Layer of fillin'. Layer of fingers.

Two more layers and a final layer of fillin'. Then to chillin.

Dust, real good, with cacao. Now I'm usin' cacao, not cocoa, cuz cacao ain't processed nearly as much as cocoa and it ain't never dutched. Now some folks say cacao is bitter but with all that sugar and cream cheese, bitter might just be what this thing needs. 

Then serve it up.

It's a mess. A cool mess, but a good mess.

Now some folks do things a little different. Some folks add booze. Not sure what kind but they do. Other folks, probably those using cocoa, sprinkle each layer in the pie. Try it if ya like but I'm doin' what I've been taught. At least a few times.

Guest Post: Pork Fat Rules

This is yet another food lesson from TOD's rather foul-mouthed but well-intended Calinky cook. Rest assured, the kitchen is cleaner than the language.

Look, I know you girls had it rough growin' up and yer momma, my sister, did the best she could. But yer daddy was on a first name basis with half of SLED and she to go it alone most of the time and deal with that worthless son of, sorry, yer daddy, the rest of the time so it ain't no wonder you didn't learn 'bout cooking. We gonna fix that. We gonna learn pork fat.

When we say "pork fat rules" we ain't talking like that loud mouth bam-bam man, we're about learnin' the rules of pork fat. Most folks think about bacon or maybe fat-back when they hear "pork fat" and I know some folks are out there payin' way too much to somebody slappin' pork belly on a plate. I ain't never seen it and I never want to, but I know it happens. I heard stories and they're just so unbelievable they gotta be true. The rules we're talking about are the magic of making that fat into lard. Yep, we're gonna make pig butter cuz there ain't no better fat in a righteous kitchen. 

Making good lard means startin' with good fat and I know what you're thinking 'cuz I saw that look on yer face. You can pull those eyes back down and start payin' attention. Now there actually are different kinds of fat on a hog and yeah, bacon, back, belly, they're all pork fat. Good pork fat. Not the best pork fat. The best pork fat don't come off the hog it comes outa the hog. We're talkin' leaf fat. Now some folks call this leaf lard, but it ain't lard until we make it into lard, which is exactly what we're gonna do.

I see that. Yeah, that look. Like you wonderin' why you don't just go down to the grocery and buy some lard. Well, they're sellin' lard at most places but it ain't really lard. It's crap. Some kind of high-draw-jenny-ated greasy crap. We don't let that crap in our kitchen and we sure as hell ain't puttin' it in our food. Now you actually can buy lard that ain't all crapped up, but you're gonna pay fifteen, maybe twenty or more dollars for less than a pound.  Now I like me some lard, but that's a bit too proud for my purse.  

And you wanna know somethin'? I went by that university meat market you rant on and on about and I got them to pull me some leaf fat. Cost me less than fifteen dollars for over ten pounds. I know you're not just a smart-ass but you're got some real smarts so you're wondering what this leaf fat really is. Turns out hogs are a lot like other folks, especially the fat ones, because they got some fat inside their bellies. We can't call that belly fat cuz pork belly is already taken, so they called it leaf fat. Now some folks say that is because when you pull it out it looks like a leaf, but I've pulled more than my share of fat outa hogs and it ain't never looked like no leaf I've ever seen. This fat sits around the kidneys and what makes it the best fat for lard is it don't taste of hog. It comes without any bits of meat like the outside fat and that's where the hog flavor lives. Leaf fat is plain, pure fat. Best fat for the best lard. 

Bag O' Leaf Lard

We're gonna turn that bagga fat into the best lard you're ever gonna cook with, which considering you've never cooked with lard ain't a real big chore. Everybody thinks they know how to make lard, you render it right? Yeah, you do, but you probably don't know exactly how to do it and if you don't pay attention you will screw it up. Only a few steps but all real important. We're gonna cut the fat up just enough to fit in that big pot of yers and we're gonna soak it in water. Overnight. Then we're gonna pull the fat offa that tough lining it's hangin' on to. We clean the pot, put the nekkid fat back in and now we can start what most folks think of when they hear renderin'. But they ain't thinking past pot-on-a-burner to melt some fat. Ain't that easy. Or fast. First we add some water. I know, you're wondering why anyone would add water to fat. We're gonna have this over a very low heat but we still don't want to burn any of the fat so we add some water to keep the fat at the bottom from hot spottin' before some of the fat gets to meltin'. Once we get some fat meltin' it won't burn and the water'll boil off. Plus you gotta remember that hogs gots lots of water in 'em anyway and that all has to boil off so a little more ain't gonna hurt noway. Nuther thing lotsa folks don't get is this ain't happenin' real quick. It's gonna take time. Hours. Quite a few. Like all day. In fact you may need to heat all day, turn the heat off and come back the next day to finish it off. 'Cuz you ain't gonna sleep easy with a pot of hot fat sittin' on the cooker and weighin' on yer mind.

How do you know yer lard is done? Because when you render lard you're removing the fat from the tissue the fat comes in and when that happens you not only get liquid lard you get cracklin's. These little bits of precious should be small and they should be lightly brown since they been slow cooking in lard. Once you're at that point, say after six to twelve hours, we'll process some lard. 

Once yer lard is done you gotta strain it and store it. Best to use wide-mouth mason jars for storage and you can use a cannin' funnel to fill 'em up. You'll need a good ladle and something to strain the lard so the cracklin's don't end up in yer lard. I use yer granny's old tea strainer but lotsa folks use cheese cloth. You ever tried to wash cheese cloth? Don't. 

Straining Tools

There's one thing you're only gonna forget once: liquid lard is damn hot. That lesson might head yer way because you're forgetful or a bit clumsy. Like I said, it is damn hot, hot enough that the yer jar might break and if that happens you don't want it just sittin' on a counter cuz you'll end up dancing in broken glass and hot lard. Not as funny as it sounds. Whatcha wanna do is put the jar in one of them large steel bowls you been ravin' on so if it breaks, you're only out a jar and some lard. You wanna strain the lard as you fill the jars and fill them up to the shoulder so there's a bit of air left in the jar. When you put the lid, hand tighten it but remember that there lard is hot and now the jar is too. Treat it with care and an oven glove comes in real handy. 

Liquid Gold

The lid dimples will be standin' proud but as the lard cools over the next few hours you'll hear them ping as they seat in. It'll probably be tomorrow before the lard finishes coolin' and after that you can put it away 'til you need some. 

Hard Lard

And ya wanna know something else? You not only have a load of lard you got yerself some mighty fine cracklin's. 

Fine Mess O' Cracklin

Next time we're in the kitchen we're making some butter milk biscuits. And then? Cracklin' corn bread. 

Guest Post: Calinky In The Kitchen

Once again we have our favorite Calinky in the kitchen, this time with, of all things: quiche. As always the spicy language has been moderated so as not to offend the more sensitive palates. Without further ado. 

A Calinky, especially a low-country Calinky will eat darn near anything. But not that surrender-monkey speciality, quiche. That ain't even a real word let alone real food. Another thing about Calinkies, even low-country Calinkies, is we got to grow veggies. And the older we get the more we got to do it and the more we end up litterin' the larder. Stuff just piles up. One thing you got to grow is squash. No one knows why 'cuz it is the most appropriately named veggie in the garden. Maybe the whole world. Squash. Hard to cook so it doesn't look exactly how it sounds. 

But there is one way. Bake it into an egg pie. Now credit where due: this egg pie is inspired by the lovely young doctor who took us to that Eddie Izzard concert in the before times. I didn't have no grocery store pie crusts so I had to make do with my own but since I got one of them ee-murshun blenders that comes with a pigmy food processor I didn't have to fork the butter into the flour. So my messy-plates for the crust was just a cup and a quarter of flour, a stick of butter, a half teaspoon each of salt and sugar and about a quarter cup of real cold water. 

The butter and water gotta be real cold. Heck, you cain't even cube up the butter unless it is pretty near frozen and it don't hurt none to freeze it after you get it chopped up. Ya gotta put the flour, sugar and salt in first and run the machine to mix it all up. 

Then you add the butter and run it 'til the butter bits are small pea sized. After that you add the water and grind on it until you get a dough that holds together. Make sure you don't take it so far the butter bits completely disappear. If you do there ain't no fixin' it and you gotta start over. 

Now the easiest way to work the dough is to dump it onto a sheet of Sara's wrap and then you can roll up the edges, push down with your knuckles and bring the dough together. Run it with the rolling pin to make sure it is all together and fills the plastic. Dough done. EZPZ. 

Start

Finish

Hopefully you did this real quick and the dough is still cold but you still gotta put it in the fridge for a while to keep that butter cool. Don't make much sense but when you take it out you have to let it sit a few minutes to keep it from splittin' all around the edges. Roll it 'til you're sure it'll fit the pie pan.

Get it into the pie pan, make sure it is in the pan all way 'round. If you don't know how to use the rollin' pin to get a crust in a pan your momma didn't raise you right and there ain't no fixin' that either. 

Depending on the pan you can use the rollin' pin to trim off the excess. 

I use the trimmin's to make cookie cutter stars cuz I don't want to throw out that much dough. 

The filling's got two parts and a few ingredients. 

First is the veggie we're trying to get rid of in the first place. This is just sliced thin either with a knife or a vegetable peeler. Your choice. These strips are placed on edge from the outside spiraling in to the center. Mix and match squash with zucchini and eggplant if you got 'em. For the liquid chicken mix that makes this an egg pie you're gonna need eggs, cheese, fresh thyme and maybe a little cream or half and half. Put all this in a bowl and mix. 

You pour this over the veggies already in the pie, adorn with the stars and you're about ready to bake.

This thing has to bake in a pre-heated 375 degree oven for about 20-25 minutes and you'd be wise to keep an eye on it after the 20 minute mark. Other than that, cook it until it is done. 

That's an egg pie and you cain't hardly tell there's squash in there. Now you might be thinkin' the yellow color comes from the squash. Think agin. That yellow comes from the egg yolks cuz these are backyard chickens and that's what you get from backyard chickens. The best thing is that even when you slice it you still cain't tell there is squash in there. The best way to eat squash is when you don't know you're eating squash. 

Like A Duck

Score The Fat

Salt 'n' Peppa

Cold Duck Cold Pan

Make It Hot

Flippin' Brown

Rest O' The Breast

Twigs And Tubers

Tater Prep

Duck Fat Rules!

Grapes, Oiled To Roast

Chow Down