She IS Good

Within hours of swearing in Dunwoody's Prophetess of Transparency to replace the opaque and disgraced former commissioner DeKalb County was awarded Ballotpedia.org's highest rating (A Plus) for transparency.

Correlation?

Causality?

Coincidence? We think not.

Dunwoody Prostitution Enterprise Exposed

A recent satirical piece in the Dunwoody Crier speaks to an ongoing prostitution enterprise in our fair city and to give the devils their due it is an extremely well written bit of satire. When you read between the lines, as one must do with all satire, one finds a lurid tale describing the underbelly of a City that cannot shake a shady cast of characters including a powerful pimp, his harem of whores and a seemingly limitless supply of johns.

The brothel operates from a shady location signified in time honored fashion with the lighting of a red lamp signaling to johns the availability of worldly delights without casting sufficient light for innocent, or even curious passersby to discern the true nature of the transaction.

The whores are caked in excessive makeup and reek of cheap perfume in an effort to cover the traces left by the uses and abuses of johns who have come before. They gather in a parlor resonating with raucous music making themselves available for casual consortation before getting down to the business of the house. The pimp looks on, directing favored johns to the whore most suitable to his tastes.

The whores offer only a feigned resistance that serves as a requisite foreplay, a feeble attempt to disguise a faded and damaged flower as a fresh bud ready to be plucked. Deep down they know the john knows yet they both spare the time for the courtesy of this small but unnecessary formality. The dirty ceilings serve as a constant reminder that this is a filthy business. That johns are never satisfied. Pimps never handle enough money. And that whores are one bump or one bad blood test away from what little they do have.

As is so often the case this story demands much of the reader and is best absorbed on a hot summer's night with a scotch at hand and the soundtrack to Body Heat playing in the background. And on some certain Monday night, if you listen carefully you will hear in the distance the music to which these pitiful souls dance their tragic pas de trois and you'll know just where that red light dimly glows.

What Does Jesus Drive?

With the demise of Pontiac what is a brother to drive? Well Chrysler stepped up with the answers. First it was the luxe 300 sedan--and it didn't hurt when they reached into urban hippity hop royalty for star endorsements. Now we're looking at the Challenger which plays a starring role alongside LL Cool J in NCIS-LA.

So it didn't take very long for even our over-militarized police forces to observe that a significant proportion of these cars are driven by African Americans. On the one hand this is simple testimony to effective marketing and advertising. On the other hand this correlation is now being used to profile drivers for issuance of DWB citations.

Even here in DeKalb.

Turns out DCPD have been using this technique and also ripping a page right out of Dunwoody's play book: calling in the dogs.  Citizens of Chrysler are being stopped and then detained and held until a local indicate on cue dog is brought in to ensure the vehicle is searched regardless of what the Fourth Amendment says. Local TV investigative reporters have yet to divulge how the Police guarantee contraband is found but they have made quite the stir with the Chrysler Crisis. Nor have they investigated how low local Police have lowered the bar of "probable cause" but apparently it is synonymous with "refusal of search."

We know this is happening and is a growth market but what happens when our African American brothers are tapped out? Perhaps it will be time to turn our Police attention to our brown skinned neighbors from South of the Border.

So we find ourselves asking:

"What Does Jesus Drive?"

In short, how do we profile these drivers? Turns out this is easier than we thought.

Just read the name. Even your average 'roid ragin' patrolman can connect these dots. Under the circumstances and with our history of tolerance it should come as no surprise that Dunwoody sees the opportunity to be a leader in aggressive Law Enforcement against this demographic conveniently located along our periphery.

But it isn't just about Law Enforcement. It's about community outreach. Consequently our PD has gone into the community to ask for their assistance to ensure that even officers who have difficulty with hispanic surnames and Mexican place-names can meet their quotas. The community has gladly stepped up.

This community participation promises to propel Dunwoody ahead of all our local and even national competitors in the race to enforce our laws based on race, creed and culture.

But what's next?

Contrary to popular opinion here in the Wold there is not an inexhaustible supply of blacks and hispanics. Perhaps we need to consider what is surely the next question:

"What does Moses drive?"

City Of Farmhouse, Georgia

It's been five years since the incorporation of the City of Dunwoody and coincident with the re-write of the city charter a movement to spin-off a new city is gaining steam. This city which is tentatively named the "City of Farmhouse" would encompass the area shown in the map below.

As an experiment in local control the City of Dunwoody has convinced many citizens that more is better. As in "more local". Hyper-localism is a new model for urban government but is one that has taken hold throughout the Pacific Northwest and has been readily embraced by local Farmhousers and cyclists alike.

The proposal for this new city is expected to be submitted in the next legislative session with a referendum vote in the following year. Proponents have already formed the two obligatory non-profits with one to "educate about" and the other to "advocate for" the new city. A proposed "viability" report was recently submitted to the Carl Vinson Institute in an envelope that also contained thirty thousand dollars and it is expected that this report will be issued on CVI letterhead shortly.

There has been some concern from those who will remain in the City of Dunwoody regarding the departure of Perimeter Center and the associated tax base but this is virtually identical to the complaints expressed by DeKalb when Dunwoody was first formed and this argument is expected to carry as much weight now as it did then. There have also been complaints that this move dilutes minority vote by carving out an almost exclusively non-minority city but others point out that this has a non-dilutive effect on the remaining City of Dunwoody and will in fact increase minority concentration there.

This new City will be up and running in less than three years but to get there everyone's help is needed. There will be several "virtual town hall" meetings via interactive webcast and Parks, Police and Roads Tasks forces are already spinning up.

Exciting times. Become an agent of change!

New Laws Take Effect Today

As is ever the case, July 1st is the official day that the blatherings and blunderings of the gold-domers descends upon us mere mortals. It is the day that most, if not all, new state laws take effect.

Of particular interest in this past session was the confluence of transportation and gun rights in a single law. On the transportation side the issue at hand is colloquially called "left lane bandits", those obnoxious assholes who park their slow-mobiles in the left most lane seemingly in an effort to impede as much progress as possible. This is where gun rights come into play.

The new law, HB666, allows drivers to shoot left lane bandits thereby extending the castle doctrine beyond "stand your ground" to "clear that lane". While this is a state law it is subject to local enforcement and many jurisdictions are imposing a tires-before-head firing policy. Consequently many pundits are recommending that this policy be observed in all cases to eliminate cross-jurisdiction confusion.

Furthermore the humour value of the blond bimbo sippin' a latte in her SUV, dialin' down the speed all the while she's dialin' on her phone and who goes tits over ass when you pop that tractor-trailer sized front tire should not be minimized. Since it in no way constrains the second shot it seems like the kind of common sense policy so often advocated by the White House.

So. It's July first. It's open season on highway idiots. And there is no limit.

We Were All Wrong*

Many folk in the Wood of Dun believed the reason behind the airstrip being installed in Brook Run was an incestuous circle of greed based on grants, gratuities and patronage. They are soooo wrong. Well, not soooo wrong, but wrong.

There were a few folk down to the farmhouse who suspected it was designed for a two-lane golf cart roadway so we can be "just like Peachtree City" but without the contemporary architecture. This was supported by the recent trend of fining golf cart drivers who step out of line and this reasoning aligns well with the Preemptive Alarm System Fines and expands the Toll Troll territory.

Wrong again. Turns out this patch of pavement in paradise is for Dunwoody's brand spanking new tank. Gotta have a track for the boys newest toy.

And we can expect our resident jarhead to do his very best Dukakis imitation, tooling through the park conjuring images of 'Nam after Agent Orange had done its evil business. Doesn't that G-4 sound just like a Skyhawk? And that Huey only looks like a traffic copter.

Ah, the smell of Napalm in the morning.







* Double entendre intended.

Late Breaking News

Sources close to the Governor are preparing folks for his upcoming decision regarding the DeKalb County School Board. He will remove the board and in an effort to defuse at least some of the legal challenges he intends to remove the entire board and will not reappoint any sitting members including those recently elected. The calculus is not just political but is in part based on the observation that all of the current board members are "duly elected and reflect the desires of the voters thereby laying the responsibility for the current failures clearly at their [the voter's] feet." This has undermined any belief that those most recently elected are any better than those they join or those they have replaced.

There are also credible reports that the Governor has narrowed his choices for replacements to twelve and will be making the final selections this evening. All candidates are considered capable but some concern has been voiced regarding the fact that all are male and all are white. In discussions of the political consequences the Governor is reported to have said that DeKalb is a train wreck and "I'm getting the best people I can to fix this and I'm not going to apologize for their gender or their race--we're getting this done. I'm sorry this has to happen in February--I'm sensitive to the timing--but quite frankly I can hear MLK spinning in his tomb over what folks in DeKalb, using his legacy, have done to those children--the grandchildren of the Civil Rights movement."

Dunwoody Charter Academy

This is direct from rumor central:

A group of like minded parents in Dunwoody are banding together to form Charter Academies to cover K-12 education for their children. Their unique approach, the basis for their Charter application, is that these schools propose to provide academics and only academics. No school lunches, kids can brown-bag it. No sports, that's what Dynamo and ALTA are for. No music program so if you think you're kid's got talent, then go for it on your own time on your own dime. And it will be modeled after homeschools (see GA Code Ann. 20-2-690 & Co.) with one hundred and eighty days of instruction of four and one half hours per day. 

Proponents of this model tout the efficacy and financial merits. Teachers will focus on teaching and teaching only with at least two hours every day for prep work. The laptop every child will tote around will be their multi-media center (what was once called a "library"). Given that students will be on campus approximately five hours per day the child's contact time with their parents will increase affording parents a greater opportunity to be engaged partners in their child's journey to educational achievement. Elimination of unnecessary waste in the form of cafeterias, libraries, sports facilities and theatres will trim costs and ensure that everyone, parents and students alike, understand "school is about learning". 

Of course this will never be approved and if it were it would never work. How can you possibly deliver a top-notch education without sports?

Sista From Anutha Planet

This scifi based dramedy sports Mary Steenburgen in the role of Janet Nester, an alien scientist stranded in the fictional town of Desuka where in an effort to fulfill her mission of studying alien social structure she finds herself on the local school board. It isn't as far fetched as it sounds.

Like most sitcoms Sista episodes begin with a lie followed by a buffoonish cover up. Unlike most sitcoms the show does not end in a kumbaya moment as it would in Friends, but in a teeth grinding attempt at putting the drama in dramedy, a plot device the writers are unfamiliar with. These are far from the worst failures offered up in the scripts. The writing is not just formulaic but  mindnumbingly repetitive like an insipid copy of Groundhog Day but without the daily plot progression of the protagonist.  If you've seen one episode, you've seen them all.

The only bright part of the writing is a certain Bevis and Butthead quality where the entire show is really a parody of the show's most devoted fans. The program is wildly popular with parents who do not seem to realize they are the real butt of what few jokes there are any more than they realize the witless parents on the show are lied to by "their" teachers and principals just as the Steenburgen character is fed lies by the school administrators.

Steenburgen valiantly tries to save the show only to be overcome by horrid writing and lack of any other competent actors in the ensemble. The Board Chair, who would be a perfect foil to her character were he played by the likes of James Earl Jones, is played by an actor so bad that the character looks like a racist caricature that should have Al Sharpton blackmailing the producers. Likewise the Superintendent is played by an actress clearly incapable of remembering her lines. Outtakes must be priceless.  Other role actors have surrendered, staggering through their performances like zombies. On occasion the extras playing the clueless, gullible parents steal a scene or two, but this is more a credit to the decision to use local extras than to the casting couch.

As the show enters its third season rumors of cancelation are growing louder. Hopefully her alien overlords will rescue Steenburgen from this hell but until this slot is filled with quality programming the discerning viewer should spend their time and money elsewhere.

Furnace Mystery

A long-time Dunwoody resident (aren't we all?) recently did the most peculiar and yet most Dunwoody-esque thing. While a full-time Dunwoody resident, this bloke, like many others 'round these parts, owns a second home as sort of a "vacation" home. Nothing unusual there. Well, this fall his furnace died. Nothing unusual there either.

Then it gets strange. Sure, the furnace was old, but it was reparable and at a cost of a several hundred dollars its service life may well have been extended a few more years. But instead of having the furnace fixed as most in Dunwoody will agree is the prudent course of action, this bloke had the whole thing ripped out and replaced. To the tune of several thousand dollars. How could someone smart enough to not just live but vote in our fair "City of Smarts" spend all that money while discarding a furnace that needed only a minor repair, that had served his needs in the past and promised to continue into the future?

This warranted a serious investigation.

The story is at least as peculiar as it is strange. The place this bloke bought five years ago was built in the mid eighties and the furnace was original. Something he described as not much different than the cursed furnace in "A Christmas Story" but lacking the character. Furthermore, the A/C which blew a mighty wind failed to blow a cold one. And this wind blew barely filtered air through leaky half-naked ducts compensating for those inadequacies by ensuring that the second floor was roasting whilst the main floor did a proper imitation of "The Mayor's Skating Rink". Year round. While built to code in the eighties, time, technology and building codes had relentlessly advanced.

So our bloke from Dunwoody decided to let the Past keep its own and move on to the new millennium.

He had the old HVAC system ripped out. Ducts, supply and return, were stripped, sealed and insulated. A modern zoning system was installed to properly address the all too often divergent needs of upstairs/downstairs. A real air filter. And, of course, a new furnace and A/C unit paired for maximum efficacy and sized based on up-to-date heat load calculations--real engineering--indicating that efficiency upgrades called for a smaller A/C unit than previously installed.

Z Wave aside, this project was not just about maximum efficiency, wiz-bang technology or catching the latest greenie trend. In fact, a lower-efficiency furnace was selected. Why? Because this bloke lives in a traditional "Williamsburg" style home (don't we all?) and a white pipe poking out the wall "just don't look right" and you cannot vent a high efficiency furnace through an existing terracotta chimney flue. While the desire to modernize was great, there was some serious consideration given to the heritage and character of the home and neighborhood.

But at the end of the day this bloke did something few others from Dunwoody would have done, especially for a secondary residence: he spent considerably more money to upgrade and modernize than would have been required to simply patch up the existing system.

Revolutionary Colors In An Un-Civil War

For those new to the cause that is All Things Dunwoody the creation of this City was a revolutionary event. The noble patriots who fought the good fight and set us free from our dark overlords in Decatur did so under  an almost golden Yellow banner. The battles waged were for hearts and minds and votes, both under the truly gold dome and here, in the trenches, in Dunwoody. There were many fierce battles waged in our meeting halls, on our streets and in our front yards. Everywhere the enemy was met with Yellow. Yellow yard signs. Yellow bumper stickers. Yellow tee shirts. All Things Dunwoody became All Things Yellow. For Yellow is the color of our courage, the symbol of the intellectual dominance of those who would go on to build the first Smart City in Georgia.

Though  the opponents of Dunwoody were defeated they were not truly vanquished. Those that survived have regrouped and are strengthening even as you waste valuable time reading this. The forces assembling against us, those working to destroy us and all we've built are traitors, betrayers that come from within. These heathen destroyers bear the sign of blood, of destruction, of the very fires of Hell. They wear Red.

The time for action is upon us.  We must once again gird ourselves for battle, march against these treacherous Red Shirts and rain destruction upon them. We must be swift and decisive to ensure victory and when that certain victory is once again secured we must drive out all remaining Red Shirts beating them back to the Hell of Ignorance from whence they came. And there will be little time to celebrate as it is now certain that we must be forever vigilant, guarding against any who might rise up against us. Forevermore, no matter when they come, no matter where they come from, we must destroy all those who would challenge us.

Village Gets Sewerage Plant

Construction has begun on a "micro-facility" sewerage treatment plant in the heart of Dunwoody Village.

This facility is being funded in part by a Federal grant that is part of a program to ensure that the effluent of the affluent is processed as close to the source as possible. Critics of the program have applied the derisive label "Keeping the Stink Where Republicans Drink".

But folks in Dunwoody think it is a Good Thing. At least fifteen hundred of the usual suspects comprising the Citizen Input Contingency are said to be enthusiastically in favor of the project. Or so say City Hall.

Fortunately this Smart City is ahead of this expected wave of enthusiasm. Upon hearing of the grant opportunity City staff immediately issued a Memorandum of Understanding committing the City to accepting the funds and moving forward with the project. When a disinterested citizen challenged the cost/benefit of the project a spokesman for the City claimed "we'll drink each other's bathwater if it means we get a grant".

How true.

Too Cute

How can we possibly remain one of the minority of states treating seventeen year old criminals as adults? Prison time for shoplifting should certainly be reserved for the eighteen and over crowd, right?

And just look at the poster child, literally, for this heinous over-reach of our criminal justice system:

Isn't she just adorable?!?

But WAIT! There's more!

What about this sweet seventeen beauty?

He is merely accused, accused mind you, not convicted, of beating a woman to a pulp. Yet he may well be saddled with a criminal record that will haunt him the rest of this life. What a tragedy!

Or how about this little darlin'?

This seventeen year old Lafayette GA high school student will be dogged the rest of his life because over zealous authorities mistook his little prank as a bomb threat.

Next thing you know our pandering "tough on crime" politicos will be sending our children straight to Gitmo.

This simply must stop. Now.

Silly Buss

Dunwoody Government 101

1. Overview and Objectives
   The student will explore the motivations behind operating a City including gaining access to other people's money, the fungibility of ethics, manipulating contracts for power and profit, creating a para-military force, and getting all up in other people's business. This session will lay the foundation for deeper exploration of the intricacies of city politics, politicians and bureaucrats.
2. Finance
   We'll explain the difference between taxes and mandated fees and explore successful methods used to convince citizens they are much different than they really are. How we soak businesses for every possible penny. Learn about grant applications and how to sell anything as a good thing if "free money" is involved. Find out how a loan is not really a loan if you say it isn't. 
3. Operations
   Learn how ancillary organizations (e.g., Convention and Visitor's Bureau) are used to funnel money to Friends and Family. Gain insight into using "Penny Shy" contracts to grow and centralize your power while avoiding approval and oversight. See how branding can help you make new friends and write new contracts. Advanced topics include "consummating deals before the public knows about it", "the power gained by public involvement in real estate". 
4. Zoning, Codes and Enforcement
   We'll explain why codes applied to citizens vary in rigor relative to those applied to politicians. Learn how enforce-on-complaint empowers bureaucrats to do what they want, when they want. Real world examples include using the "boil a frog" method to slowly but continually re-write ordinances eliminating individual and property rights and how avoiding writing ethics procedures keeps politicians in office. 
5. Police
   Covering the basics we'll look at how a force is established and operated without a training academy. Next we look at growth opportunities on both sides of the ledger but with emphasis on revenue generation. Students will study the importance of expensive toys and junkets, and how these are justified. Recent events will be analyzed to demonstrate how significant failings are spun as justification for more money. We finish with a hands-on exercise to create "The Most Bodacious Uniform" to be the highlight of a mini-parade in the department ATV. 
6. Public-Private Partnerships
   Explore the subtle differences between PPP and cronyism as well as how this is portrayed in a favorable light. Gain the skills required to be an insider and eligible for PPP participation. Learn how a bureaucrat leverages PPP engagements for personal gain. Hands-on exercises to ensure students understand you don't inhale when smoking a big fat cigar and tips on finding the best single-malt scotch. Additional fees will apply.
7. Citizen Involvement
   Using citizen involvement to co-opt and silence critics. Understand how to restrict citizen involvement to PR activities and learn how to prevent erosion of contracting opportunities for Friends and Family. Critical coverage on the topic of limiting Citizen Involvement to reports and advisement without any real authority.
8. Becoming a Politician
   Explore the malleability of truth and the avoidance of consequences. Dispel the myths surrounding "transparency" and "accountability". Understanding that "service" is what all prostitutes provide. Unravel the paradox of "one hand washing the other" all the while "the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing". Special topics include "Adhering to the Letter While Skirting the Intent" as it applies to laws and ethics requirements and "How to Always Be Right, Especially When You're Wrong".

See you there!

Crazy or Stupid?

It was a dark and stormy night. And late. Sam's job sucked. On the road most days of most weeks selling blind fasteners. Pop rivets, fer chrissakes. Like there's something wrong with screws. And nuts.

Sam's mind drifted from his dead-end sales job to the Regional Mental Hospital he passes on his way home. Locals call it the Ha-Ha Hotel because most of the 'residents' are sent there by family members from far away states who can no longer bear to wipe the drool from their daughter's chin or keep their son from eating cigarette butts. And, it frees up time for tennis and golf. That's the punch line for this ugly joke.

Sometimes the residents wander the grounds and Sam has seen an unsettling look in their eyes. The same look he sometimes sees in the mirror after a bad week on the road. A week like this week---like every week. So Sam always dreaded the drive-by. Especially at night.

This night as he approached the turn-off that took him past the Ha-Ha, Sam was sure it got just a little bit darker, rained just a little bit harder. Approaching the fence he began staring only at the pulsating white lines, afraid to even glance towards the dingy facility. Afraid of what he might see. Afraid he would see himself.

Then it happened. Right past the gate. A blow-out. Stopping the car, Sam realized he was soaked in sweat. At least he wouldn't get any wetter changing the tire.

He got out of the car angry, slamming the door, and in the dark was surprised, startled, to see an 'inmate' pacing, grunting, just inside the fence. He hurried to jack and tire. Hub cap off. Inmate grunting. Lug nuts in the cap. Inmate pacing. Turning to the spare, inmate mumbling, Sam kicks the cap, lug nuts flung to the muddy, swollen ditch, gone forever. Cursing his fate, Sam notices the inmate has stopped pacing, stopped grunting, stopped mumbling, and started laughing.

Emboldened by anger, Sam yells at the soaked nut-case: "What are you laughing at? I'm stuck here, in the rain, with a flat, a spare and no lug nuts, being laughed at by the only nut I can't use!"

The inmate stared. Sam glared. Then he spoke. The inmate. "Take one lug nut off each of the other tires and use them on the spare."

Sam was stunned. "What...?" "How...?"
Then the inmate said: "I'm crazy. I'm not stupid."

Sam made it home. Less stupid. But a wee bit crazy.

Lividity

This is a fictional story about a small high tech company that never existed and two folks who never worked there, Brainhard "The Brain" Andreesen, the corporate attorney and Derrick Vitalle, a top technology manager. Similar and perhaps true stories can be found in Wikipedia under "Small Consolation".

Lividity, like many a small high tech company started, grew, stumbled and ultimately closed. As is often the case, Lividity also created a significant amount of Intellectual Property, manifesting itself as patents, during that same brief life. At the end these patents were in various stages of processing, from initial submission, to review, to approved and granted.

Derrick, with a long career in high tech, recognized the value in the Lividity IPR and sought to purchase it, leveraging his retirement funds to make the acquisition. He also sought the services of The Brain, a natural choice since as the Corporate Counsel The Brain had working knowledge of these assets and their position in the patent process.

The acquisition was made and work began to market the IP assets. But things did not go well.

The Brain soon became distracted by novel new work, not within his domain of expertise, but interesting and associated with key members of a small country club of which he was an active member and to whom he wished to ingratiate himself. This distraction was sufficient to cause The Brain to neglect the Lividity IPR portfolio, even to the extent of not turning over Works In Progress to the lawyer Derrick had to hire to back-fill. This neglect even went so far as to include NOT forwarding the patent maintenance fee notices, causing some already approved patents to lapse.

In the end Derrick was able to salvage a portion of the IPR assets, recovering his investment and a tidy profit, but recovered less than one fourth of the portfolio's initial value. The Brain faired less well. His career diversion with his country club buddies ending in a disgraceful public embarrassment and a forced resignation. Doors to two careers were firmly closed.

While Derrick is not at all pleased with the cost and pain he has suffered from The Brain's inaction he takes a small bit of comfort in the fact that had The Brain met his commitment his share would have been over two million dollars.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s drug-addled, delusional imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. This is especially true of the City of Dunwoody, recent events therein and anyone, no matter how distantly in time or space, associated with the formation, operation or future of our Smart City.

Double Diamond Deemed Deadly

The North American Walkable Interstate and Interchanges Initiative (NAWIII : nah-WHEE) announced yesterday that Dunwoody's brand new Double Diamond Interchange ranks as "Deadly", proclaiming it amongst the worst in the nation.

NAWIII, headquartered in Los Angeles, is dedicated to ensuring safe pedestrian passage across all interstates at or near intersections and to promote public awareness they have created a series of rankings: "Safe", "Passable", "Dangerous" and the lowest possible, "Deadly". They have been evaluating interchanges and divided highway intersections through out the US and now Dunwoody has caught their attention. There is not much about the newly re-configured intersection that meets with their approval.

They see the lane reversals as a real safety concern for pedestrians and further cited the constant vehicle movement and sustained speeds as key factors in their evaluation. An issue unique to the Double Diamond involves legal crossing. Dunwoody ordinance requires that pedestrians walk facing traffic, but the new configuration makes it impossible to cross over I-285 legally. NAWIII is publicly objecting, saying that a situation that makes someone illegal for simply crossing a line is unfair, unjust and must be undone.

NAWIII closed by expressing outrage at the potential for pedestrian death and injury, likening the new interchange to a "human game of  Frogger", even going so far as rhetorically ask: "Can you imagine a young mother with a toddler and a baby stroller trying to navigate that nightmare?"

It's Debatable

Or is it?

In the Battle of Brookhaven the latest gauntlet cast down is The Great Debate.

Old School.

Face to Face.

The challenge is offered by one of the most vocal advocates of Cityhood, who just happens to be a lawyer. A lawyer skilled in weaving a story around any given set of facts to support his view and his agenda. And a lawyer blessed with oratory skills, a dollop of charisma, and those skills have been honed to a razor sharp edge by years of courtroom practice.

The proposed opponent in the face to face Texas Cage Match will be equipped with virtually no oratory skills and little practice. Were it his choice, The Advocate would like a retired librarian with a speech impediment and preferably Tourette's Syndrome. But certainly not a skilled public speaker who might understand that it isn't what you say, it is how you say it.

But why the challenge? Because the "facts", even spun out like cotton candy, may not carry the day. And these "facts" seem to change on a daily basis, and while they generally change to support The Advocate, after a while this "flexibility" calls into question the veracity of any claim. If the facts are so malleable now, how amorphous will they become after the vote?

So now The Advocate is forced to fall back on Shyster 101:

1. Pound the Facts and when that doesn't work, 
2. Pound the Law and when that fails,
3. Pound the Table

We are now at the point of "Pound the Table".

But what happens when evasiveness, charisma and oratory skills overcome uncontested facts and common sense? Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

But while we wait perhaps we can get a clue...

Down. Doubled. Redoubled

In recent match-ups Atlanta has consistently placed last amongst regional competition. The fundamental problem is that "Team Atlanta" will bid and play only in spades. To be fair, if distribution points necessary to open include a void in spades, TA might open a club but if any spades are found across the table, then spades it is.

It gets worse. Whenever a competitor sees 150 points in spade honors in their hand and they double the inevitable spade contract, TA never "corrects to lower suit" but instead will often re-double. It is as if TA believe they are playing poker where bluffing can be a successful tactic. It is unclear if they even understand the significance of "all the cards have been dealt".

It would be nice to report that TA's card play is far superior to their bidding, but given they have narrowed their opportunities to spade contracts which they have often overbid and consequently are doomed from the outset, it is difficult to assess their skills. How does one measure the merits of down two versus down three? Doubled. Re-doubled.

This is not the first time Team Atlanta has exhibited single suit mania, but in the past, when it was diamonds, the same mania afflicted all teams in the region. This created a level playing field, where all competitors were equally stupid. As it became clear this approach could not long endure all the other teams learned to make the best bid for the cards they were dealt and became quite skilled at bringing those contracts home. TA on the other hand simply switched from diamonds to spades, continuing a process doomed to failure.

Increasingly many of the best competitions are invitational and unless Team Atlanta abandons their spades only strategy they risk becoming so non-competitive that they will be dropped from the list. They must become adept at bidding and winning non-spade contracts and aspire to one day compete in the more lucrative and difficult no-trump bids. Team Atlanta is already far behind their competition and each delay is another step towards unrecoverable failure.

Al's Park: A Shocking Betrayal

The City has done a dramatic about face, canceling plans for Al's Park and turning it over to a developer who will build housing on the former park site. While still under construction, this is obviously not a park and the outcome is now all but certain.

The City proper is characteristically unhelpful, but those who know those in the know say they know what is really going on and it is not at all what it seems. And this is all on a need to know basis: off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush.

First, the City learned that Al had no intention of spending his golden years "aging in place" to find eternal rest amongst the City's Founding Fathers in the soon to be acquired City of Dunwoody Cemetery. Al also seems to have lost interest in swimming, much like his flirtation with minor league ball during his midlife crisis twenty years ago. On the upside, the City Elite are pleased they never pursued plans to build Al's Ballpark.

But there is also some suggestion the City had other reasons to alter the Al's Park Plan. Apparently the financing for Al's Park was, shall we say, creative. As it turns out, the City never actually purchased the property. You know, as in the vernacular where the purchasing party, the buyer, pays the current owner, the seller, an agreed upon amount of "cash" at which time the seller transfers title, deed and ownership to the buyer. In fact, the City did not attempt to acquire the property through the more common avenue of a "mortgage", instead relying on a commitment from a third party to purchase the property and lease it to the City. One can only conclude that the City's credit rating sucks. Taking this deal to completion relied upon a "Parks Bond" that was surprisingly but soundly rejected by an unruly electorate.

It seems shady financing had as much to do with this turn of events as Al's fickleness.

On another positive note, the happy builder seems to have escaped a rather nasty process, known as a competitive bid, that while common in other cities does not encumber real estate transactions with our Smart City. While reluctant to discuss the process, this builder shows great pride in his workmanship. When asked about the wisdom of building a house on top of what had been a swimming pool he indicated that many homes in this area are sitting on potential swimming pools. Apparently the difference between a basement and a swimming pool is how the water gets in.

It should go without saying, but won't, that Al is a bit miffed. It is common knowledge that he came here to make his fortune, but like many an opportunist he arrived with no intention of spending is final years in a place like this. He rather doubts that those who sit in judgment plan to either.

Many also know that a recent trip back home reminded him of what he left behind and rekindled a desire to get it back. To return to a place where "blue collar" is not a put down, where local pubs sell local beer and barkeeps may "talk funny" but not with a trumped up British accent. A place where folks read, play euchre, and are proud of their bowling league. Where kids play afternoon basketball at the local school's outdoor court--because they can, because it is safe. Where baseball is a pick-up, empty lot, lazy summer afternoon activity, not a cause célèbre. Where the cemetery has been there for generations.

He realized he had given up so much of real value for so little--just to be a winning rat in a race it turns out no one was watching.

But the City is not done playing around with Al. In the event Al unloads his house in Dunwoody before he can "make the big move", the City has informally committed to turn a blind eye to a nearby zoning violation allowing Al and his family to live in a "step down" facility.

Unlike their formal commitments, this may stick. But Al is not so sure, viewing this as just another reason for Springtime in Sebewaing.