Interstate Parade

You know what these are, don't you? Surely you've been in one. Perhaps you've headed one up. In case you seclude yourself in your live-work-play community an "Interstate Parade" is when some asshole blocks the left lane, plodding forward into open pavement all the while forcing an unwilling entourage to drudge thru his shit.

These parades have a couple of causes.

Sometimes it is a DFC listening to the arse end of the latest iPhone and as is so often the case when the driver's synapses stop firing she matches the speed of the vehicle on the right oblivious to the implications of the miles of open pavement ahead and the dozens of cars immediately behind. That's because driving (and courtesy) have taken a backseat to her wasting what few brain cells she has on some nonsensical drivel, probably dissin' on last night's fuquebuddy.

Sometimes it is an angry vigilante who feels it is their government given right to discourage speeding. By others of course. Unfortunately for this particular breed of idiot what the guv giveth the guv taketh away and it is now against the law to park your ass in the left lane and impede traffic. That's what they call stacking up a dozen cars in your rearview mirror--impeding traffic. Now that being a left lane bandit is illegal anyone who does it is just as big an asshole as any speeder and quite a bit more dangerous.

So if you're going over the river and thru the woods this holiday season you are likely to find yourself in the midst of an Interstate Parade. Just don't head one up.

Slow Ride...

...take it easy...

Ever wonder what makes cars in Dunwoody so damn slow?

Some causes are obvious. Take hair color for instance. We all know that blue hair means a real slow ride. But blond shows a pretty strong correlation as well. Another obvious speed brake is a cell phone. These are so incompatible with getting anywhere that one must wonder why they're called "mobiles".

Back in the day many thought there was a gender correlation, but now we're finding much less association between gender and speed. Still it is hard to argue that the trophy wife driving the Escalade without a care in the world is going to move traffic along. But the guy who bagged her is probably no better.

Vehicles make a difference and in some counter-intuitive ways. We all know about the Buick. Not a slower moving car in Dunwoody. But what might surprise some is the most delicate of vehicles, the one that all but stops when approaching a steel plate. The SUV. The bigger and badder the slower. What was once advertised for their off-road prowess, is now often humbled by the merest bump. And the most egregious offender? That's right. A BMW SUV. The Ultimate Driving Machine. Not!

But it is not just the vehicle and driver. There are those nasty hard to execute maneuvers known as "right turns". These are particularly bad on Ashford Dunwoody southbound OTP. Many times a right turn is executed as if the laws of physics do not apply in Dunwoody such that a complete turn can be made without the wheels rotating at all. Simply amazing.

Then there are windows. Open windows. These are guaranteed to take fifteen to twenty percent off the normal speed of the vehicle and this slowdown is particularly noticeable on highways. Often, but not always this is associated with cigarette smoking which drags speed down by another five percent. Something there is about oral fixation and the right foot that are incompatible.

And there is thumping. That kidney rattling pounding bass. You know type. So loud it has shattered a window, now covered with plastic that flails about in time with the "music". These are often tragically slow cars. It isn't clear just why they are so slow, and no one is really looking for them to be rolling examples of the doppler effect, but it IS possible to get more than one wheel rotation per beat.

In combination these appear to be additive. So if you find yourself on Ashford Dunwoody behind a BMW SUV driven by a blond Junior Leaguer with a cell phone glued to her ear and blowing smoke out the open window as she starts a right hand turn, then you might just as well wait until tomorrow to get where you're going.

Double Crossed

...or why diverging diamonds won't work.

If you look closely at the diverging diamond fairy tale animations you will notice that one key ingredient of Atlanta traffic is missing. Assholes. Specifically the asshole that is three lanes to the left on southbound Ashford Dunwoody when she knows damn well she intends to get onto 285 westbound. And she expects at least two lanes of traffic to come to a complete halt so she can get over. At the last minute.

And she's not alone. That intersection is an asshole magnet, attracting some of the biggest and most obnoxious this region has to offer.  If Dunwoody is number one in anything it is asshole drivers. Any day. Any time. Damn near anywhere, but especially there.

Why do these assholes do this? Because if they queued up in the correct lane whilst just north of Hammond, they might have to sit their self-righteous asses in a bit more traffic, that's why. Much better to zoom on down in what is clear to everyone is the wrong lane and push in just before the entrance ramp light. So they're not only assholes, they're arrogant assholes.

And arrogant assholes will deep six the best laid plans of our traffic engineers. You know, the same geniuses that brought the disaster known as the Lexus Lanes. Probably related to those that think that extending Peachford is something other than a road to nowhere. Unlike those two the diverging diamond looks like it should work. Problem is none of the traffic engineering accounts for assholes, and with the diverging diamond we can expect the current  crop of last minute "left to right" assholes to be joined by a similar set of "right to left" assholes. While the diamond may diverge, what happens when the lefties and righties converge? You know they will.

Our only hope is that the scheme will be so confusing it scares folks away from the entire perimeter area.

Two Lane or Not Two Lane

That is the dilemma.

As hard as it is to believe, there is quite a debate over the configuration of Dunwoody Parkway, centering on the lanes. For those who are not familiar with Dunwoody Parkway, it is the neglected stretch of pavement between Mt. Vernon and Chamblee Dunwoody circling behind Dunwoody Village. If you know where the "Bankwoody" Post Office is located, you know Dunwoody Parkway.

To be clear, it isn't actually a parkway, it is a boulevard, which means it has two lanes each way, a center median and enough vegetation to impeded one's view. At twenty five mph it also has one of the lowest speed limits in Dunwoody outside of All Saints. Of course it is located outside of the Perimeter Center area so there is absolutely no enforcement and speeds in excess of forty mph are not uncommon. Really. Between the length, the dead ends and the speed, it is more a dragstrip than anything else.

And the great divide is literally and figuratively over the median.

One camp wishes to convert Dunwoody Parkway to a street, one lane each way, ditch the median but keep the turn lanes at each light. The space freed by the lane and median removal is to be used for wide sidewalks and bike lanes in the hopes this reduces pedestrian jostling,  the current bike congestion and eliminates the associated injuries. This  camp is the old-guard Dunwoody Cabal and has enjoyed overbearing influence over city operations including so-called long range planning. In fact, the parkway plan has been championed by our outgoing mayor for years, even before the city became yet another albatross around the voters collective neck. And of course there is grant money involved and is there anything we wouldn't do to get our hands on other people's money?

The other camp wants each and every scraggly crepe myrtle in that median, and the median itself preserved for our children's children. And beyond. Further, and this is probably the real issue, they want to maintain the current status of "high speed cut through". Seriously. You cannot make this up. They want to ensure they have a four lane, high speed, half mile cut-thru so they don't get annoyed by going all they way to Mount Vernon and Chamblee Dunwoody. Of course, they're not against bike lanes or sidewalks, just don't take away their car lanes. And it isn't like they intend to stop and shop, or hell, even go the speed limit. Nope. They just want to get somewhere else.

So how about this: suppose we four-lane Mount Vernon from the village to the Dunwoody Club split? Now that would do something for congestion in the area. It certainly would stir more fervent and interesting debate.

At the end of the day, the only thing sillier that keeping Dunwoody Parkway four lanes is spending about $1,500,000.00 on a patch of land so some day we can spend even more to give a(nother) councilman a better commute. Can you guess what this city is going to do?

Kids 'n' Squirrels

Have you ever noticed how drivers in Dunwoody will all but stop for a jake walkin' squirrel, but seemingly couldn't care less about the safety of children in a school zone or crosswalk?

Perhaps Dunwoody drivers care more about limb rats than rug rats.