Dunwoody Slum Lords

Slum Lords are kinda mythical. We see them in cop shows, inevitably set in New York City, with plots driven by greedy landlords who are either just ripping off tenants or more dramatically are stuck with permanent renters with equally permanent rent caps. In the former case tenants freeze, cockroaches don't and any water that flows is neither clean nor hot. This is driven by profit motive with negligence only to the point that money comes in but not so much that tenants go out. The latter case usually has some underlying big-time greed motive, usually re-development at an obscene profit. The tenants don't represent benign hosts for parasitic landlords but obstacles to progress and no one gets in the way of progress. So the landlord takes immoral, and if it is a cop show, illegal measures to drive tenants out.

This is what is set to happen right here in DaVille.

And we're not talking about the downtrodden over by PIB or the aging units at 285. Nope. This is the City itself. See, we're poised to borrow 8+ million dollars (with interest we the taxpayers pay more) to buy a cute little building at the edge of the Real City to be our new City Hall. There's only one problem. OK, there are a couple of problems. First it is a real fixer upper but HGTV has not come forth with any reality star willing to reno a town hall that never was a town hall. The other problem is that the building has tenants. That's where slum-lordin' comes in.

There are four tenants and three can be kicked to the curb at the low, low rate of under $150,000. Now you might think that is a lot, but when you compare it to the reno costs it is chump change. Then there is tenant number four, an evil medical imaging service running an MRI operation and they gotta go. But setting up an MRI operation is costly and it ain't just the machine. There is quite a bit of infrastructure involved and this is expensive. Cost is more than four times the other three combined.

So what is a tax-hiking', cash-strapped City beset with a slew of losing law suits to do? Easy Peasy, just make life untenable for the tenant. As reported in the Blue Bag Rag:

Sheats offered a solution to isolate the MRI tenant from the rest of city hall, including a possible separate entrance.

Deutsch said she would hate to spend money to keep the tenant there and suggested the city make it more inconvenient for the tenant.

"Then maybe they would want to leave," said Deutsch. "Then maybe we could reach a compromise sooner."

We can only assume "compromise" means "get out, get out now and get out cheap."

If you did not already know why Dunwoody is on the losing end of lawsuits now you do. Being a smart resident of a smart city you must smile at the City's revulsion to having City Hall in the immediate proximity of a device that lets doctors see inside a patient. After all, transparency is governments' kryptonite. 

Franchise Fees: With Interest

Probably the most enduring post on TOD is Franchise Fees 101 and it is generally assumed this is due to folks trying to figure out how much the plunge into the deep end of the citihood pool is going to cost. It must be noted that other diatribes on these taxes (What Do Franchise Fees Buy? and Franchise Fees: What Are They Good For?) see little or no traffic.

Perhaps when the reader figures out that it is just another tax from just another taxing authority they give up. They may not even go so far as to learn that even the cable companies are now on a statewide franchise whilst the local yokels keep dragging in the money. So you pay and you pay and you cannot even go down to City Hall to raise a stink over that cable that has been lying across your yard for the last four months. Not their problem, take it up with the State. Oh, and good luck with that.

Or maybe they just total up the cost of Franchise Fees and shrug "this is chump change." It is. In comparison to the other costs (think of FARA writing Home Alarm Registration city ordinances) foisted on you by your newly minted and inexperienced (incompetent?) City Council that would indeed be the case. The fact of the matter is that Franchise Fees are the least of your worries if you're being driven like cattle into the slaughterhouse of Citihood.

Do not let Franchise Fees distract from more dangerous problems. A quick survey can be found in Shout Out To Frederick County, MD. It is incomplete but it is a good start.

You might also look to the track record of nearby upstart Cities, particularly Dunwoody and Brookhaven if you're forming your new circle of governmental hell in DeKalb County. Dunwoody has recently employed the sneaky back-door tax increase by keeping the same millage rate but refusing to craft a revenue neutral (lower millage) tax. This allows politicians to say "we did not raise the tax rate." Legal but deceptive and exactly what they've complained about for decades when the county does it. Then there's Brookhaven. Riding in on their moralistic white horse to joust with the strip clubs only to come out of the engagement muddy and bloody but with saddlebags overflowing with lucre. We'll not go into how quickly Lysol can stain a reputation.

We'll blast past it. 

The real canary in these mine shafts is the City Attorney. If not directly involved in founding these cities they are at least well connected to the powers behind them. And that both Dunwoody's and Brookhaven's CAs have gone down in flames leaving a dark trail of ethical smoke should give anyone even pondering a vote FOR another city like these (and they're all like these) considerable pause. Who are these people? Consigliere? And who the hell are they beholden to, our local version of a political Mafia?

Now you're catching on.

These cities are based on a particularly nasty foundation of greed and a lust for power because to a large degree this is a zero sum game. In their scratching and clawing to get "their share" they will set aside the truth in favour of convincing prevarications, what little integrity they  have will disappear and any transparency will be thru their distorting prism.

Though the citihood outcome is unavoidable there is a way out. Push for an amendment to allow these cities to form their own schools. Now these schools won't be any better (probably worse) but there are enough lemmings out there who will race to the cliff of "local control" that your home value will see a significant bump. Remember the end of busing (aka M to M)? Same thing, only more so. Once the bump kicks in and before the fools realize City Schools are same song second stanza, you cash out. Just get the hell out of Crazy Towne.

The French Connection

By now you've probably heard that we is gonna be gittin' ourselves one gawdalmightygorgeous tree fort on down to the Brook Run. And just how did we git so lucky? Well Daisy Mae, it's a sweet deal that just fell right outa da sky like that thar coke bottle in that silly movie you dragged me to.

Did this deal just fall from heaven? Is it a sweet deal or a sweetheart deal? Well it turns out there really is a French Connection and in this case the drug is money. And what would this fair city NOT do for a bit of coin, eh?

Seems there is a company out there with most operations in France (as in YOU-ROPE, France as shown in their very own brochure) which is now expanding to...wait for it...Georgia!!!!

How absolutely fortuitous for us! Who knew that the French were visiting our fair city's web site searching for the odd RFP or RFI leading to this wonderful, splendiferous pas de deux? NO ONE! And you want to know why? Because there NEVER WAS AN RFP, that's why. And there never was any group of citizens who ever requested these kinds of services. This came from somewhere else.

Apparently folks as far away as France know the otherwise secret phone number and email address of Ms. Dunwoody Staff who is the gatekeeper to all Unsolicited Opportunities (occasion non sollicités) for as we all know solicitation is illegal in this fair city.

In all fairness (and seriousness) these arboreal obstacle courses may be wonderful things. One can only imagine how beautiful they are in the alpine locations chosen in France. But what makes this whole affair as odious as the backside of a truffle-sniffing pig is how it came about and how it will be operated not to mention what it really says about Dunwoody.

Do you really think the Directing Managers of some French company did some market research and decided that Georgia and the Atlanta 'burbs in particular was the absolute best spot on the planet to establish a beachhead for global expansion? Or...is it more likely that some Georgia politicians got hooked up with these executives in a meeting brokered by the French Consulate and these new besties shared a ballon de vin rouge and then cooked up a plan (in all their best interests) to bring this French Delight to our little burgs? Want to bet these were state level politicians who have not so subtle ties to wannabees at the more local level?

But it is pretty putrid at the local level as well. Transparent? Not unless you have X-Ray vision. Who exactly is "Staff"? You'll never know so unless you like being deflected or lied to, don't ask. Clearly there is a black market network where those few who parlez-vous know exactly how to get their business into Dunwoody, what they'll pay and what they'll get in return. How much tit for what kind of tat.

And the company's behaviour is a bit odd as well. They have taken down the brochures on their US sites (the ones with the map of locations in France) replacing the link with a "Coming Soon" notice. Why do you suppose they did that? Did someone drop a dime and suggest they do a little "tree-top-flying?"

Then there is the money. Not just the now unavoidable fact that Dunwoody has shown to the world that it will spread 'em wide at the drop of a coin but the (ab)use of "fee based services" hiding behind public-private-partnerships (three pee uh-oh).

What are these fees really for?

Looking at the projected price of admission one has to wonder (and some have) who exactly can afford this? But if you pull this thread the whole mystery unravels, because the next question you have to ask is who exactly cannot afford this? It's less about who we're letting in than who we're keeping out and that would be families and kids who aren't from around here--you know, from South DeKalb or even those nearby undesirables living in apartments at PIB. Fellow citizens of Dunwoody.

This isn't about the ill-conceived privatization of a fundamental City benefit/service, this is about using economics to enforce segregation of those benefits effectively denying access to those we find unworthy. Wonder how egalitarian our French allies think that is?

When this economic segregation works (and it always has) at least we can go to Brook Run and watch kids swinging from the trees, chattering and squealing and not overhear any Dunwoody Soccer Moms telling off-colour jokes about how those kids look like monkeys.

And since it's all about the kiddies that's OK, right? Laissez les bons temps roulez!

Hey sister! Go sister
soul sister
go sister

Hey sister! Go sister
soul sister
go sister.

He met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans
Struttin' her stuff on the street
She say
Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?
Getcha getcha ya ya da da
getcha getcha ya ya here
Mocha chocolata ya ya creole Lady Marmalade.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

He sat in her boudoir while she freshened up
The boy drank all that magnolia wine
Upon her black satin sheet where he started to freak
Getcha getcha ya ya da da
getcha getcha ya ya here
. . .
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? . . .

Touchin' her skin feelin' silky smooth
colour of cafe au lait
Made the savage beast inside roar until it cried
More - more - more

Now he's back home doin' nine to five
livin' his grey flannel life
But when he turns off to sleep
old mem'ries creep
More - more - more
Getcha getcha ya ya da da
getcha getcha ya ya here
. . .
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Oui, il me fera plaisir. Combien?