Arbor-toir

ar-bor-toir: /ˈärbərˌtwär/

NOUN: Group or organization that needlessly and recklessly destroys trees or forests.
ORIGIN: Southeastern United States, in or around Dunwoody, Ga (see "Smart City"), derived from arbor, meaning shady area and abattoir, meaning slaughterhouse.
FIRST USE: 2012

The Smart Folks at our fair City Hall have devised an insidious plan to rid our city of overgrown shade trees that have for far too long stood over some of our major roadways. The plan is both clever and simple, and consequently very effective.

First the City plants a solar operated device as shown here, but not in a sunny location as a common not-so-smart citizen might do. No, the City plants this sign right in the shade of a majestic oak, a mere forty feet from an open, sun drenched area. An area the City intends to expand.

Then the City has a revelation--wink, wink, nod, nod. Solar panels do not work in the shade. This was apparently not in the How-To Guide for Smart Cities. So what does the City do? What any Smart City would: with chainsaw at the ready they butcher the offending Oak.

We got some real Fart Smellers down at City Hall, eh?

What Brings You Here?

Not to this posting. To Dunwoody.

Why did you choose to live in Dunwoody?

It should come as no surprise that most folks in Dunwoody were neither born here nor raised here. They moved here. The question is "why"? Why, given all the options, did folks move here in say the last five or six years?

Was it the parks? What, did they find a real estate agent recently released from a mental ward and fresh off her meds who drove these prospects around pointing out vacant lots that might become a park someday? And did these tragically "smart people" then buy a house close by...but not too close by? After all, if you don't want your own kids literally playing in your backyard you sure as hell wouldn't want other folk's brats playing right behind it, right? And is that what all this "send your kids to the park to play" is really all about? Are people in Dunwoody so uptight they cannot tolerate the neighbor's kids playing in their own backyards?

Perhaps it was the schools. Legend has it that a house in Vandy commands a premium of as much as fifty thousand dollars. For K-5, now K-3, perhaps back to K-5. Call it six years, because no one is suggesting the middle school or high school are worth any premium. So let's call it $50K. That's well over $8000/year. Right...now let's check on this...yep...there is absolutely no way could you buy, on the open market, five years of elementary education for $8000/yr. And if you could, there is just no way it would be as fine an education as DeKalb County offers at Vandy. Nah...it can't really be about schools. Surely "smart people" would have done a little research and found out that East Cobb's public schools routinely kick Dunwoody's ass when it comes to academics.


Were they forced to live in DeKalb? Did the courts make it condition of their probation or what? Then did they decide Dunwoody was the best DeKalb has to offer? What, Smokerise not good enough for you? Decatur too funky? Chamblee not have (good) enough restaurants? Doraville missing a farmhouse? Stone Mountain not have enough parks and recreation nearby? Surely it can't be that houses in Avondale all look the same or that Brookhaven is too close to MARTA.

And why is this even worthy of a rant from The Other Dunwoody? Shouldn't we be discussing Ernie's neon sign which is in violation of a silly city code?

This is topical because a vocal, if otherwise insignificant, group of fairly recent Dunwoodians apparently moved here to raise taxes. They seemingly come from a land where it is accepted practice to appropriate other people's money to spend on their whimsical fancies and toys for the kids they have but cannot afford. They're here. They're mouthy. They're posting all over the blogosphere. It demands a response.

So it has been left to The Other Dunwoody to ask the obvious, and apparently hard question:

"If you don't, and didn't, like Dunwoody, why the hell did you move here?"

SOS: Save Our Schools

If you simply cannot tolerate the wonderful Christmas movie, "The Ref", because Denis Leary drops the F-Bomb like it's part of the attack on Tokyo, then you might want to leave this post right now.

Seriously, if you think drastic measures are not called for, if you believe we can just talk it over and things will be just fine, that all we need is a little compromise to reach consensus or that consensus is even part of the solution, then you should check out the whiners here or here.












So, you are either determined, or curiosity has bested you.

First, the problem with our schools is not what you would suspect. Anyone the least bit in touch with reality knows that by any objective measure, and by that we mean nationally normed evaluations, DeKalb Public Schools are an educational train wreck. But that is not the problem at hand. A more important problem is looming and as you might imagine, it is all about money. Apparently DCS had built schools in high growth areas (that would be the south) in anticipation of a growing student body, at the same time starving the stable, but overcrowded schools in the north though they are in much need of resources. Then the real estate bubble exploded, the schools not only did not fill, but found themselves with so few students...and here's where the money comes in...that they were not eligible for significant state funding. Given the  administrative bloat of DCS and the fact that anyone occupying the superintendent's office, no matter how briefly, must be given an obscene pay and benefits package,  it should come as no surprise that even a small disruption in the money stream is of the utmost concern.

So how will DCS solve their money problem? Re-districting and school closings. This will put the right number of arses in the right clarses to ensure that DCS gets maximum drain from the state coffers. Sounds simple, right? Not so fast. Apparently way too many groups of folks have something other than achieving the best possible educational outcomes as their top priority. This seems to include job security and pay, property values, and racism and classism.

How best to silence this cacophony of competing narrow interests? Glad you asked.

Here's the answer--some folks simply must have a nice steaming hot cup of Shut the Fuck Up and let the adults solve this problem. This is no time for petty jealousies, nor for the greedy and self-interested to re-enact the tragedy of the commons playing fast and loose with

our school system and with flagrant disregard for education outcomes.

These obstructionists include, in no particular order:

Those who seem to think that schools, particularly the ones near them, exist for the sole purpose of increasing, or in today's climate, maintaining, their property value deserve a full cup of Shut the Fuck Up.

Other folks, probably with no direct interest in education but who nonetheless  pontificate on the moral imperative of proper classroom diversity, as only they can define it, need a grande cup of Shut the Fuck Up.

Those suggesting that folks living in apartments are somehow inferior, and if educated as a group simply won't get an adequate education have earned a really hot cup of Shut the Fuck Up.

Parents who think those same apartment dwellers' children will give their little darlings cooties, or that the only benefit these other people offer are some basketball moves, well, they too get a cup of Shut the Fuck Up--two lumps, no cream.

And, if you're a mop pushing janitor who now feels entitled, as if you're somehow critical to a good education, then yes, you are entitled. To a nice cup of Shut the Fuck Up.

And what about those administrators who justify their bloated salaries and gold-plated benefits by comparing their position to what they (and virtually no one else) considers an equivalent private sector position? Well, they'll need their Shut the Fuck Up in a to-go cup because we're calling their bluff--they need to hit the bricks and prove the value of their immense skills in the private sector.

Teachers, by their self-aggrandizing re-labeling of "educator" and their made-up, neither here nor there hyphenated degrees, have worked diligently, day and night for what has heretofore been a mere sip of Shut the Fuck Up. But have no fear, you'll not be asked to crawl down from that cross you climb up on every time you get a public forum--you just stay put and we'll have someone top your cup off. To the brim. Free refills.

And finally, parents who think they have a bigger say in how schools are run because their darling little one's are in school get as big a cup of Shut the Fuck Up as they need, but not a drop more.

Now, everyone good? Great! Will the remaining adults please finish the job in such a way that each student gets an education that maximizes their individual potential while reducing per-student cost by 20%?

Water Schmater, It's an Intellectual Drought

Suppose the legends are true and throughout the ages aliens have been visiting earth in search of intelligent life. Surely they would be amazed that thousands of years ago mankind harnessed power to bend his environment to his will. Perhaps our greatest achievement are the systems devised for storing, purifying and transporting potable water. From the days of the Screw of Archimedes and the Roman aquaducts, to the hey-day of Europe's canals, to modern times where we have harnessed water for power, fortified it, refined its purity, and delivered it to every home, we have increased our control over this most important component of our environment. In no small way, the ready availability of pure, potable water has improved our health and extended our lives. Surely this would impress even the most advanced intergalactic traveler.

Indeed these are truly impressive accomplishments. But then these intergalactic IQ evaluators would see what we do with this valuable resource. All too many of us simply dump most of the water delivered to our homes on the ground. This is not accidental, nor the result of some hard-to-find leak, nor is it negligence on our parts. Au contraire, we have actually built systems to methodically and automatically dump purified, fortified drinking water on the ground. Anyone in Dunwoody has seen these obscene tributes to stupidity spewing pure drinking water on the ground regardless of drought or deluge.

By these actions alone the intergalactic measure of our Societal IQ would place us somewhere between amino acids and Boston Ferns. So the search for intelligent life in the universe continues. Just not around here.